Review: C'thelli's Demonic Orphanage by @Dannayy342
Chapters read: 15
Blurb
We've got two paragraphs of blurb to work with:
After the Devil's war on the surface world led to the Dark lord's imprisonment and peace between the realms. C'thelli yearns for a simple life of hunting monsters and raising their children as her own. It was honest work, and all was well.
But when an ex - soldier of Satan's retinue turns up at her door for community service, all of her hard work is at risk of falling apart as she tries to balance raising four unruly children, with keeping Feimo's demonic tendencies from destroying the town.
It's got the key elements in there: the main characters, the central conceit, the inciting incident that turns C'thelli's world upside down. But it lacks clarity. Here's why:
The first paragraph switches between past and present tense. Are we talking about events in the past or setting out the situation in the present ("C'thelli yearns...")?
The first sentence is incomplete. It should be joined up with the second.
The use of epithets is confusing. No fewer than three different names are used to refer to Satan (the Devil, the Dark lord, Satan), and Feimo is name-dropped without any explanation so we have no idea who he is. (He's the ex-soldier of Satan's retinue, but the blurb doesn't make this explicit.)
The blurb presents C'thelli as our protagonist, but doesn't explain who she is.
Vague terms are used that don't adequately explain the setting: "surface world" - Earth? Why call it the surface world?; "the town" - where? Is the location important?
Here's a version that cleans up these issues, as best as I can manage:
After the Devil loses a war with humanity, all ex-demon C'thelli wants is to settle down on Earth in peace. And she finally has it: her own place in a cosy French town and an honest living slaying monsters and raising their children.
But when Feimo, one of Satan's minions, shows up at her door for community service, all of her hard work starts to fall apart. Now C'thelli must balance raising four unruly children with keeping Feimo's demonic tendencies from destroying the town she works so hard to protect.
I will also note that having read the current blurb, I expected the story to be told from C'thelli's perspective and was surprised that wasn't the case. It starts with Feimo and then moves between Feimo, C'thelli and Dom. I would suggest considering your choice of perspective and what works best for this story, and adjust the blurb to match.
Key strengths
Cool imagery
There's a lovely inventiveness to some of the language and the descriptions. Some examples I particularly enjoyed:
Sharp teeth glinted in the abyss of her face. (Chapter 2)
yellow morning air (Chapter 5)
The sun beat down on the village like a hammer on an anvil. (Chapter 6)
His eye lingered over the purple square of dusk and towards the outline of the village. (Chapter 10)
These are all evocative and full of character. Lovely.
Sweet character moments
There's one moment in particular in Chapter 15 where two characters hug, which is full of nicely conveyed emotion.
It was a clumsy hold, loose with a lack of understanding.
I appreciate the characterisation in this line and throughout the scene. There are a few small scenes like this scattered through the story where we take a break from the antics and get a glimpse of something genuine and heartfelt. I'd love to see more.
