short encounters, long thoughts

thoughts..

i hate how my delusions get to me so easily. the fact that i fall for everyone once theyre nice to me and care about me. it gets in my head and messes with me. i think about all these things only to be faced with disappointment which i should have expected from the beginning.

it all starts with friendship. actually at some point not even friendship. its the thought of someone to be friends with which would then escalate to something more. so thats where it starts.

i find someone. either i like them physically right away or just an ordinary person. for the first thought, i immediately want to be close to them and hope they feel the same. it starts out as friendship. then i make all these tiny and small gestures a big deal by thinking more of it. "what if" this "what if" that. then right when we're at a good place in the friendship, i get lost in my delusions and even get jealous of someone who isn't mine to begin with. so theres a bunch of realizations in my head about the whole situation. i get disappointed, which i shouldve known from the start. but this is my head, and this is how it functions. so after all these realizations and thoughts, i slowly start to think of flaws or even reasons to stop the feelings. and slowly, it works. i settle for the friendship and pretend it never happened. because what the hell would i do if they ever found out. they were only being nice to me and i took that the wrong way. the fault is mine.

as for the second thought, well yes, theyre an ordinary person. i dont think much of them and barely expect anything. the bare minimum would be to be friends. thats it. nothing more, nothing less. just that. then while life works in its weird unexpected ways, it brings me closer to this person. again, this is unexpected for me. the thought was just ordinary friends. nothing more, nothing less. so life goes on with this person, and we just click. it just feels right. so at this point, i can comfortably say that we're close. and once again, here i am with my delusions. "what if" this, "what if" that. but even after countless times where that person said they don't like me in that way, (this is in the context of another person asking them) i still make myself feel like theres something more. that theres actually a chance. so i think all these thoughts once again. this time, im wrestling with reality. i say the facts but my delusions can only counter. its never ending. but whats weird is that i cant even imagine myself in a relationship with that person. i can imagine a mutual feeling but it would never get to the point of a relationship. so this wakes me up and makes me think that maybe theyre just someone i want to take care of. there are people like that. the ones that make you want to protect and care for. so i thought, maybe theyre under that category. but again with my stubborn self, i find myself wanting more. so right now its just a whole loop and cycle. i love them so much and and care so much, but i dont even know in what particular way. i dont know what im expecting. and im also scared that i care so much, because i really hope that they care to the same extent that i do. i just want them to know that im so genuine with this whole thing and that i really really love and care for them. at some point the whole relationship feelings dont matter to me as long as i know that they care too. i guess thats the priority at the moment. who knows at this point. i just dont wanna lose them. ive not even known them for a long time, but it just feels so right. its like the missing part of something ive been finding. i just hope things dont go bad, because id die if i lost this person.

please dont leave me.
all i did was love you.
i care so much,
and i hope you do too.
you'll always be in my memories.

(H) (T)