SIXTEENTH

SIX

                            
                                     MARA

School wasn't much fun today, maybe because I was missing Josh, I'm not sure, but it was a lot. I spent the first three periods wandering away in my head, it also didn't help that at PE I did an extra lap. I just wanted the whole day to be over so fast. Not like I was tired or anything. I just wanted to go home and lie on my bed.

Leah kept asking me what was wrong, I also didn't know what was happening, I just felt off and I knew it.

"Do you maybe want to go shopping after school?I saw this nice Chanel bag, it is a limited collection and I want to check it out so bad" Leah wouldn't stop obsessing over "the bag".

Since we were much younger kids, she has always had a flair for designer things and always wanted the latest ones. She wasn't an only child but she was the favorite, her mum is a chef and her Dad owned one of the biggest hotels in the state. So she was luxury.

I'd rather spend my money buying books, that I don't know how many books I own anymore.

I got home that afternoon and surprisingly my dad wasn't home.  I stared at the pool at the back of the house through my window. My room was the biggest in our house and it had two big windows, one in front, showing off our large garden, this window had a porch in front and it was my favorite spot in the room, the other in front of the swimming pool which was the back of the house. I loved how the water glistened as it danced with the wind, maybe I should take a swim, just being in the water was all I needed to feel good right now. Maybe.

I decided to go and check in my dad's study if he was back before going to swim, I lied to Leah that I had a throbbing headache so I couldn't follow her to check the bag she wanted to see.

I opened the study door and took a peep inside, it was dark and the smell of old wood somehow welcomed me, I drew in a very deep breath, taking it all in.

The big room had a very dark interior, the walls were covered in dark brown paint, with a dark brown curtain covering the huge windows, it had three shelves sectioned with books of different types and for different studies, My dad had all editions of the world's encyclopedia on one shelf, and books about all the delicacies of the world on another shelf, he has a thing for cooking.  I remember how he used to try different recipes when I was much younger and he put me on the kitchen counter and told me jokes and stories about how my mum loved his cooking, those were jolly days he would say.  On one shelf was labeled "Family" It had pictures of my mum and dad when they were younger and when they had me, it became "Mara and Dad". I wasn't interested in looking at today.

I walked over to the big window and opened it, the afternoon sun was blinding and it lit the whole room so well, I saw my dad's table wasn't arranged, he probably left in a rush. He never leaves in a rush, my dad was way too organized, and that was how I knew something was wrong. 

I didn't mean to look around or anything, the room just felt so calm and I felt far from the world and its troubles. An open drawer that was behind the table caught my attention and I walked over to it. Some envelopes were sticking out  I was going to close the drawer and step out when I saw that one envelope had the name of our family's hospital on it.

My dad and I had no reason to visit the hospital as we always had the doctor come over if we needed anything, so why was a letter addressed from the hospital here?
   Out of curiosity, I took it out to see what it contained....

The room seemed to be spinning and my head felt too heavy for my body to carry. I was shaking all over, I felt hot and cold, it was as if the whole world had come to a halt. My whole world came to a halt. I stumbled and rested on the wall to help myself stand.

My dad was sick, he had cancer. He had leukemia. My dad was going to die. Was that why he looked thinner? Was that why he was always lost in thought? what that why he was always making those silent calls? Was he always talking to the doctor? Was he at the hospital right now?

I couldn't understand why he didn't tell me, we made a pact not to hide anything from each other, so why didn't he tell me? The only person I knew in this life was dying, all my life it had just been me and my dad, how was I going to live without him now?

I stood up, tucked the letter back in like I met it, and went to my room,
I slumped behind the door and cried so much, not because of any other thing but because he was suffering in silence, I told him I didn't want to have a party for my birthday but he still went ahead and threw a big one. Did he already accept that he was going to die? I couldn't live without my dad. He has to live.
    I wiped tears off my face and looked up things about leukemia. It was a type of cancer that was found in the blood and bone marrow, a bone marrow transplant could work too, I could help him there, I was his only living relative, I was going to be a donor for him and he wouldn't die, right?

Now I didn't know whether to tell him or not, I didn't want him thinking I went snooping around, my dad loved me but he still valued his privacy a lot.
  I heard a knock on my door and immediately closed my laptop covered it with the duvet, and pretended to be asleep, my dad knocked twice before opening the door,  he always knocked twice, and if I didn't, respond he could come in. It was our thing.

I didn't even realize he was back, he opened the door and dropped something on the only armchair in the room, I didn't see him but I followed the sounds his shoes made, he was coming towards my bed now, I calmed myself and closed my eyes as if I was sound asleep, he walked to my side of the bed and kissed my forehead.

"Dad?", I called out and held his hands as he was about to leave my bed.
"Please stay with me " I said to with teary eyes.
"Sure princess, daddy is here for you ", he wrapped his thick arms around me and drowned me as he hugged me like I was life and he was holding on to me.
"Dad I love you, please don't leave me " I begged amid tears as I sank into him more.

I couldn't even imagine my life without him on it.