Playing for Keeps

Confessionary

Lily POV:

I am putting the paint away and am in the middle of washing the brushes when it hits me like a ton of bricks, that ache at the bottom of my stomach. It continues to grow the more I play the situation in my head. I know I shouldn't care, Jack is just my friend but how do I get that memo to the dread I feel.

I know I am being irrational, Jack and I just talk about mundane things and he owes me no explanation about who that woman was. Well I know who she was, a woman he is romantically seeing, maybe a girlfriend maybe just a fling but the way she said 'babe' makes it obvious there is something romantic between them.

I finish washing my brushes when I get a message from Jack, the butterfly in my stomach trying to escape. I sigh and decide that I will not respond because I am not ready for the conversation that will follow. I stare out the window as I remember when that same butterfly fluttered in my stomach for Mike.

I throw my rag down on the counter and walk to the bathroom. I change into my pajamas and brush my teeth. When I come out I see jack sent me two more messages.

--I really want to finish this painting you down?-- 

--sorry about our date being interrupted-- 

--not date, date but friend date--

I smile at the messages and type back:

--squirtle is going to have to wait for when you are back, and don't worry about it--

An immediate ding hits my phone:

--ok, well can we talk on the phone or are you busy. If you are it's fine-- 

--for you, never--

As soon as I hit send the call comes through "I'm sorry" he says as soon as I answer 

"You have nothing to be sorry about" I force myself to say. He really doesn't have anything to be sorry about, I'm the one who has been breaking my own rules allowing this bubbly feeling to grow each time we talk. He has never given me a reason to think we were or could be anything else than friends, and well I shouldn't want anything else than friends after everything. 

"I do, we were in the middle of our paint and sip and-" I cut him off because I don't want to know more, I rather keep this platonic crush as it is, and yes I am admitting I have a platonic crush.

"No need to explain, really. So what time are you leaving for that work thing tomorrow?" I say to change the subject. Jack is not having it and says "Winnie can you please let me talk? I- I know our friendship is new but I consider you one of my closest friends and- you know what forget it, um I leave at-"

"I also consider you one of my closest friends, so please let it out, I'm here to listen." I say knowing that even if I don't want to hear it, he needs a friend, emphasis on the friend, and I can be that for him. 

"About six months ago I found my girlfriend of 6 years cheating on me. She- she had a whole side relationship going on for over a year." He says sorrowful. 

"I'm so sorry Jack, that is.. awful."  

"I felt something was going on but I really, thinking about it now, didn't care enough. It hurt seeing her making out with this guy, it hurt knowing that she moved in with him after we broke up, and it hurts everytime my family brings it up because they have no idea, no one does really." and he quiets. A few seconds pass before he continues "but it didn't hurt like it should, because being truthful I wasn't in love with her anymore." more silence enveloped us, shifting the energy our friendship usually had. 

"The Jack I know is an amazing human being her actions are not a reflection of you" I softly say after a minute of deafening silence.

I hear him pass saliva before he says "I know, it's just different saying out loud." 

 Curiosity gets the best of me and I ask "Was that her?"

"Yes, apparently she thought I would take her back, but Winnie I don't want her back. I can finally admit that I haven't been happier that I am right now and I don't want no one or nothing disturbing that happiness" 

We stay quiet for a few minutes because what can you say to that, I still have so many questions but I don't want to ask. He is struggling with coming to terms with a lot and me asking would only make it worse. 

"I had a similar relationship, though I can easily say it was worse not that this is a competition" I say attempting to laugh lightheartedly but falling short. 

"I doubt it." he replies after a few long seconds, letting out the breath he had been holding in. 

"Wanna bet? Loser buys dinner. We can have a virtual dine and dance" 

"Hah, deal but just dinner, no dancing that would be odd." he says

"Mike was my first real boyfriend. We met Sophomore year of college and I fell head over heels and fast. " I break to let out the air I was holding "After college we moved in together, and I realized he had cheated on me all throughout college, and guess what? I stayed. He then began acting weird when we would go out until I found myself staying back because he would always pick fights if someone looked my way, or called me a whore for wearing anything he considered unacceptable." I feel the tears cascading from my face and I find myself sobbing. 

"Lily, lets talk about something else you win ok?" jack says, the panic in his voice evident. 

"I've never told anyone any of this. Jackie boy I trust you. Can I finish or else I will be a mess for days" 

"Does it get worse?"He asks cautiously. 

"One day he came back from the bar, drunk like always. When he did it would always be yelling and I would hide in the room until he fell asleep. This time, he came back with another woman. " I close my eyes because reliving it is painful, especially it being the first time I vocalize it. "he told me to leave, I had nowhere to go but I didn't want to stay. I really couldn't go to my mom or my brother they loved-still love- the guy. So I slept in the car. At this point I had no friends left either. In the morning, I went back and we got into a huge argument, and-" I feel the words get stuck in my throat. 

"and?"

"and he hit me." a sob escaping from the deepest of my soul pushes out. 

"WHAT?! That mother fucker did what?" Jack yell on the other end. I continue to cry because since leaving Columbia I have not allowed myself to. 

After a few minutes of me crying and him listening to me, I say "That day, I made up my mind to finally leave. I slowly packed a few things and moved to San Diego where I had a transfer offer. No one in my family knows where I am because they would tell him. They don't know what happened either."

"I'm sorry Winnie." he whispers. 

"I am too" I reply.