Playing for Keeps

Bar

Lily POV:

I am sitting on a stool in the middle of a bar, trying to listen to what Tanya is saying but failing with all the noise. This bar has their music extremely loud, making people have to shout to each other in order to have a conversation. Tanya is rambling about the two guys she set us up with and telling me, no scratch that, pushing me to interact with this Josh guy. Tanya is the first friend I made in San Diego, she took me under her wing and has been a lifeline. I love her but she has now made it her mission to find us boyfriends. I haven't told her about the last one I had, I haven't told anyone but Jack, not that I don't trust Tanya but I can't bring myself to tell her. 

So here I am, waiting for this Josh guy and his friend Liam to show up. My phone dings to a message, when I look down and see it's Jack.

COD?

Can't out on a "date" 

...

Have fun.

Tanya nudges my side so hard it makes me bend down and gestures to the entrance where I see two guys walk into the bar. One of the guys smiles at us and they both begin to walk our way. Tanya stands to greet the guy I am assuming is Liam. He introduces himself and his friend. Tanya and Liam begin to talk right away when Josh asks "So, this is awkward huh?" 

"Very" I joke. 

"Apparently he really likes your friend, and she wouldn't come without you, so here I am. " he replies looking annoyed. Ouch, that hurt. I look away as to not give in on how incredibly rude that was. 

"Well, why don't we pretend we are going to go grab a drink and we can both leave. They won't notice if they think we are out somewhere drinking" I say in the most uninterested way possible. He looks taken aback for a few seconds and then responds "Yeah"

I tap Tanya on the shoulder and tell her we are going to go have a drink and dance and she nods. Liam smiles at me, his eyes thankful, and I smile back. I gesture Josh towards the bar, where I squeeze through and hop on a bar stool to get the bartender's attention. I order two tequila shots, and turn towards Josh. I give him one and say "Cheers to getting the fuck out of here" and push back the shot, my throat stinging. I walk towards the door when Josh grabs my shoulder to slow me down and asks "you really ok with this?" 

"Yeah, you don't want to be here more than I do right?" I ask. He nods with eyebrows creased, confusion tainting his eyes. We are now outside the bar and I am checking on my uber. "I'm cool really. If they hit it off, I'll see you around" and I walk to the uber that is arriving around the corner, not giving him an opportunity to disregard me again. 

I get home and my head is swirling. I can't help and feel Mike was right when he said no one else would ever be interested in me, I've worked on not believing it but tonight it's extremely difficult. I walk into my room and look at myself in the mirror, I had thought I looked so pretty but I guess I was wrong. I open my phone and send Jack a message:

If you could be an animal what would you be?

Why are you texting me instead of enjoying your date? 

I hesitate to respond because I can't tell him the truth and let him know what a complete loser I am.

It's over, I'm not a take home type of girl, at least not on the first date

Nice to know

So, what animal

A seahorse. No work, no stereotypes and no expectation only pop them babies out 

Wow, you've really thought this out haven't you?

Of course. What about you?

Hummingbird 

Should've known

So date huh? I didn't know you were dating but I guess there's a lot I don't know about you.

yeah, well not dating by choice. 

and  you don't know because you don't ask

I pick up the phone call that comes through immediately after I send the message. 

"Didn't know I had free reign on asking" Jack teases.

"I mean, if you're going to be a weirdo about it.." I tease back. I can hear Jack's soft laugh on the other end. It makes me feel at peace and that scares me. I don't know when having these conversations became my lifeline, but they did. I hate to give someone so much power over my emotions, especially after the last time I did nearly destroyed me. 

I've thought alot about mustering the courage to ask Jack to meet, since I know we live in the same city, but then I hear Mike  telling me no one else would ever love me or glance my way and I stop myself. Not because I fully believe Mike's word, but because even though I don't know much about Jack, I know for a fact he is probably a catch.  He has a job where he travels weekly, going to different places means more women he can meet. Women who are interesting, put together and of course beautiful, not someone who is barely surviving by a thread. I can also sense he is good looking, or at least he has a very masculine voice that makes me imagine him looking and smelling like a god.

"What is your biggest fear?" Jack asks and I can hear him turning off his playstation. 

"Me" I reply truthfully. The silence is deafening, and I can sense we will have another heart to heart like we did a few weeks ago. 

"Why" he gulps in anticipation. 

"I've made terrible decisions for myself when I let my feelings take over, when I stop using my noggin. You might not believe this but I am a very smart gal, ... I've just made terrible choices." I end that with a whisper.

I can hear him breathing on the other end, everything else quiet except for the ringing in my ears and his steady breathing. "I know you're a very smart woman, and I think you are wrong. You made one terrible choice that I know of, which was not honoring yourself for a few years. But you, you make amazing choices when you think with your heart. You saved yourself from a terrible situation, you've cut off your family which is probably lonely but you've done it to put yourself first, you've taken care of children for a neighbor weekly without asking for anything in return, you've cared for a man that society has discarded, and you've gifted me your friendship at a very difficult time in my life." I can feel the tears rolling down my cheeks, cascading down to my collarbone. The butterfly in my stomach fighting to get out while my body resists it. "You do not make terrible decisions when you think with your heart, Lily"