Feeling that don't have a word

Accepting or not

I am scared, really scared to tell it to my parents.
What I've learned is—if I tell my parents something, it's no longer my decision.

Either she supports it, forbids it, or makes it clear she doesn't like it and will forbid it the next time she gets a chance (even if it's unrelated).

So if I tell them it, I'm afraid—even though deep down, I know it probably won't happen (but maybe it will)—that it will be seen as a decision.

I... I can't explain it well.

I am a VERY sensitive person and take many things (especially from my parents) far too personally.

Knowing about my feelings and thoughts is therefore very precious because a small comment can hit me DEEPLY.
I overanalyze a lot, take things too personally, and AUTOMATICALLY look for faults in myself.

Maybe I don't even need to look. It's more of a feeling that I HATE, because I feel like it's judging me, and I try to talk back to it, but it's not very effective yet.

So, if I tell my parents it, in my mind, they gain power over me. A LOT OF POWER. I like it, I like it about myself, and I don't have a problem with it, but the fear of what my parents might say makes me insecure.

What if they don't believe me, don't take me seriously?

The comments would destroy me. I want them to accept me as I am, and not constantly try to change me or push their interests and life goals onto me.

If I tell them it, I'm showing them that I'm different and don't fit into their "plan," and I don't know how they will react, but I know their words will hit me deeply.

I don't want that. I'm terribly afraid that they won't react the way I need them to. I'm afraid they won't believe me, and if that happens... I don't know, but I would break. I don't want to break.

I'm okay with it.

I WANT TO BE OKAY WITH IT EVEN AFTER THE CONVERSATION.

I don't want to feel like I'm disappointing them because of this.

I want them not only to accept it but to support it.
I NEED THAT.