Feeling that don't have a word

I want it gone, or I don't want to live.

TRIGGER
(thoughts about killing yourself)

I don't get it. I really don't.
How can some people see killing yourself as something bad?

Don't get me wrong, I am afraid of dying
- but only when it's in the context of pain, especially if someone else is doing it. Also, I don't feel this way all the time.

Sometimes I actually look at it like - Oh well, it won't change much for me, so l guess it wouldn't be too bad. It would definitely make things easier.

I think that's the thing. If it were just about me and no one else would be affected, l KNOW I would have already done it.

But - I'm not sure if it's sadly or luckily
- many other people would be affected.

So l can't do it. The only reason I would do it is because it would be easier - but then I realize, easier for who?
Me.
Only me.

Everyone else would be hurt and would have to deal with it, and the thought of being selfish and causing people around me pain is worse than the relief I would get from doing it.

I feel heavy, and yes, I know it's a metaphor that's always used, but I understand why. It fits. It describes the feeling very accurately.

I feel like every little word or action, whether done or not, is a small stone. The bigger the action, the bigger the stone, and all of those stones are piling on my chest, getting heavier and heavier.

Thonestly don't know what will happen once they become too heavy, and I'm also not sure if I'm afraid of that moment or waiting for it.

As long as killing myself feels selfish, I won't do it, even though I might want to.

But once it becomes my only option, I won't feel selfish anymore, so maybe I'm waiting for that.

What should I do?

Is there anything to do?

Can a person truly help me fix this?

Could someone or even myself take these stones off?
Forever?
Or just for a while?

Because I want it gone.

I don't actually want to die. I want to do things, but... again, I don't want to.

At least not like this.

If it stays like this, I don't want to do anything. But if the feeling could go away... it would be everything l've ever dreamed of.

I want a home, and I want a partner!!!
I want to travel with her.
I want to cuddle with her.
I want to cook, sing, and dance with her.

I want that, but not like this.
Because like this, I CANNOT have it!!!