When I Was A Stranger To Myself

Chapter Three: Light Of The Moon

After that day I did not see Zen for a while, I apologized at home with everyone, My mother's bandages were removed. I lost something that day that I know can never return. I gave admission tests and everything needed, it all went well and I was waiting for my acceptance in university.

Hikaru got to know I found Zen, and he said that he wanted to meet Zen too. I did not like it. Instead of something crazy happening again, I just said "fine".

I didn't read any books or went skating this whole time, I sat blank and kept working on a doll, that too after a long time. I used to feel weather which I usually never did. I used to feel cold. One random day I got a call from the university. I was accepted. I didn't know how to feel, I thought maybe I should tell my family. I went to the hall where they're all usually sitting. My mom was scrolling on her phone eating some sweets and so was my dad. Hikaru was in university. I walked to my mom

"Mom?" I called her and pretended to be on the phone to show her something.

She didn't listened,

"Mama?" She was busy chewing fucking loud, but my dad heard me and spoke loudly "Mio! Kuro has been calling you"

I was losing it again, my mood was ruined and I going to fucking explode again. However I saw a vision of Zen and me in the park. I calmed down.

"Wvvvh" she said, while she was eating.

"Huh?" I made a sound because I hate when someone speaks while eating.

"What is it?" She said after she ate.

"I am accepted in Tokyo University" I said with a smile.

"I see, good. but isn't it going to be expensive?"

How did she dare? My vision was blacked out.

I was disgusted. Irritated. I lost it. I ran outside. While running I pulled my phone from my pocket, I hit my head on the car trying to make my vision clear.. I forgot my headphones at home, while I turned on the phone for music, I saw I had texts from Zen saying:

"I heard the admission list is out! > <

If you can stop by noon at Himeko Bakery at the first right when you reach Tokyo station, do come.

If you cannot then call me"

My head was still burnt. I had to take it out, I broke a wooden stick from the tree and almost went inside to hit my mother, but instead I ran to the station, the location Zen told me. I threw my coat away. I kept running until it was past noon, and in like ten minutes I was on the train, heavily breathing. I did not sit anywhere. I was so impatient, I wanted to kill someone.

Even now it scares me when I think that I was going to meet Zen. What could I have done?

When the train stopped I pushed people away and ran. On my way I don't know why something felt weird, how do I explain that feeling, that emotion. I was restless.

I saw the bakery and almost broke the door when I ran in, I saw Kuro standing with a decent expression. I didn't focus on his face, I just knew it was him. I ran to him and grabbed him by his sweater, I punched him on the face, on the belly, on the back, I slapped him and I don't what else I did but I hurted him a lot, all this time I just felt warm tears on my cheeks and I was hearing a girl shouting and pulling me back. I did not hear a single moan of Zen. When my hand too started hurting my blurry vision started turning a bit clear, I fell and I was heavily breathing.

I saw Zen. He was bleeding and looking at me with no hate. He was confused. The woman who was shouting, the owner of the bakery, was Zen's sister. She tried to help Zen standing up but he refused and tried to stand on his own, I just realized I was crying.

"What have I done? It's Over. It's Over. It's Over"

I ran outside and couldn't stop crying. I couldn't believe I did this to Zen. Zen came too after a few seconds, He held my hand and we were walking. I don't know where. I was shaking. It was snowing lightly.

"Zen-n" I murmured a cry.

"Not a word Kuro" he said while smiling.

"ZEN PLEASE DON'T GO- I SWEAR IT WAS NOT ME- I....I...I'll KILL MY FAMILY INSTEAD...I..HATE THEM-

BUT ZEN-

ZEN! I LOVE YOU! I DON'T HATE YOU, IT WAS MY MOM, PLEASE..

PLEASE ZEN" I cried out loud.

I was barking and crying like a dog. Zen had no reaction except a worried look but he looked me in the eyes many times. We reached a small abandoned graveyard, it was next to the park we first met. He pushed me down to sit because I was not listening to anything he was saying. I kept repeating the same things.

"KURO STOP! WHAT MADE YOU SO ANGRY?" Zen shouted without a warning which made me shut up.

After a few seconds silence I replied:

"My mom, I hate her Zen, Save me" my tears dried when I calmed down, but I couldn't look Zen in the eyes and he was staring into my soul.

"What did she do?" He asked.

"She is a.....She...She just wants Hikaru around her, she's happy when he does something good....but...but when I do good she says I can do better...SHE FUCKING DOESN'T CARE...she unsees everything I do...Zen! please...stay..."

Zen sighed.

"Kuro you don't have to do anything for her. Why are you living for her? She is old, maybe her words get you wrong, Of Course! because she speaks in the wrong way. That does not mean you're worthless Kuro. Family is not everything. You have me...Right? I see you're hard working...Right?...If your mother has her peace in Hikaru then let it be. You have other things to do....Live for yourself Kuro" Zen said very slowly just like how a child talks to a child.

I had my eyes covered. I was ashamed.

"Do you hear me?" He asked. I nodded.

"Don't ever lose your temper again. Okay?"

This was my first time hitting Zen. It's astonishing to say but after our talk I learned how to control my anger. They were two months of peace.

I was happy, and I felt like I am very near to the light I've been finding my whole life. I was feeling loved. Seen. Appreciated.

University was going well too. The month was October, and it was Zen's birthday on the 13th. And this was the last peaceful month I had in my life. I guess.