When I Was A Stranger To Myself

Chapter Six: Mama

Mom always prioritized Hikaru first. If he sinned then he will be forgiven but if I sinned then I will be punished. If he got good grades, he stayed up all night and worked hard but if I got good grades, I can do better next time. If Hikaru has friends then he has good company. If I get friends then I am paying them to be with me.
No but what is this concept? 

Mom always comforted Hikaru…always. If he saw a bad dream, if he got bad grades, if Dad thought he did wrong. A place to live is not a blessing but to have someone who loves you is. Hikaru was blessed. He was blessed with mother's comfort, friends from a long time, good grades, talent and what not. I do not know him, of course he has worked really hard but him working hard doesn't make me invisible.

I was always talked about as a bad example, even to Hikaru. I won't blame Hikaru, mom made him that way. When I was four.

“Hikaru listen to me or you will turn out like Kuro…” 

Mom…I and Hikaru were the same.

I was your child too…was I not? I didn't even used to misbehave when I was younger, but why was I always a bad example? Mom, did you really not know how it made me feel? How would a four year old feel? You used to say it almost daily and there was this suffocating black fog that started filling in me. I was in a void from a very young age. Void was my home but I was a human, I wanted someone by my side too.

If I lose Zen, I would not be found ever again. I will shatter and shatter until I no longer am.
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That night Mama and I had a long argument.

“Hikaru also has friends but his grades are always A1” Mom said

“and if I get a B, that doesn't mean I have bad friends!”

“You're always like this, such a disappointment, you're worthless!”

I had lost my temper, I was surprised Hikaru didn't noticed  our loud voice. 

“Mom, if you have your son Hikaru…then  SHUT UP-” 

She came near me and slapped me several times. I couldn't see her as I got black out in my vision again. This was never a good sign.

“What is this language? Hikaru is out there doing something with his life! Why can't you be more like him?” She shouted 

“Stop comparing me to him!” 

“Why? Because the truth hurts? You're pathetic compared to him! You wouldn't survive a day on your own. You're too weak and look at you! Acting like you don't need me”

“I don't need you!”

“Really? Because all I see is a scared little boy who's too afraid to face the world”

“...”

“You're nothing to me, Just a burden. I wish you were never born!”

“Shut up!”

“What are you going to do- just standing there like a useless failure you are?
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What are you even going to do with your life? You're going nowhere. Do you think you'll just sit here forever?” she shouted.

“I have a plan” 

“A plan? Don't make me laugh. Your “plans” have always been nothing but failures”

I, with my vision all black grabbed a knife from the cutlery tray and kept stabbing the knife in the air, in the direction I heard my mom's voice from. She was shouting and I kept stabbing until I felt the knife stabbing her. I didn't stop. I couldn't see anything, I kept on stabbing. I repeatedly struck her with the blade. I relentlessly stabbed her over and over.