𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑 𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐊𝐈𝐍

𝑬𝒑𝒊𝒔𝒐𝒅𝒆 13: "𝒖𝒏𝒓𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒍𝒆𝒅"

୨୧
France, Paris
ISP
B.G.C.
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I watch from the corner of the teachers' lounge as Shawn leans against the wall, laughing with one of the other teachers. His smile is infectious, his charm effortless. I hate it. I hate how easily he can make others laugh, how that same laugh used to be directed at me. But what burns deeper is how flirtatious he is, how it seems he can’t help but charm every woman around him.

A lump forms in my throat as I realize I still love him. How ridiculous is that? He’s the first boy I ever kissed, the first man I ever slept with, the father of my child. He’s my everything. Yet I can’t shake the feeling that something has shifted between us.

As I continue to watch him interact with her, I can’t help but compare our moments—those late-night conversations, the secrets shared in the dark, the laughter that once felt so effortless between us. Now it feels distant, almost foreign. The love I once held so tightly is beginning to fray at the edges, replaced with bitterness and resentment.

Then, like a bolt of lightning, it hits me. Onika must have meant something significant for me to betray Shawn. It wasn't just a slip, a mistake; it was an emotional infidelity that gnawed at my conscience. I cheated with my heart, and it’s been weighing heavily on me since that day in the bathroom. The thought of it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I stand abruptly, the chair scraping loudly against the tiled floor, attracting a few curious glances. Grabbing a handful of nuts from the snack table, I shove them into my mouth, the salty crunch distracting me momentarily from the chaos inside my head. I need an escape from this torment, a place to release the pent-up frustration that has become my constant companion.

I make my way to my empty classroom, the familiar scent of chalk and paper greeting me as I step inside. To my surprise, I find Onika sitting at one of the desks, her head bent over a pile of homework. She always seems to be here, diligently working, and for a moment, I feel a pang of longing—like she’s a lifeline I desperately need but can’t quite reach.

“Hey,” I say, my voice slightly shaky. “Remember how you said I could talk to you if I needed to?”

She looks up, her expression shifting from surprise to something softer, more inviting. “Yes, and I meant it.”

I take a deep breath, gauging the distance between us, trying to keep my emotions in check. I’m still chewing on the nuts, but I feel this urgent need to let everything spill out. I stand right where I am, keeping my distance for now, but it feels like a tightrope I’m walking.

“Okay,” I say, and then I just… start. “So, my mother cheated on my father. Can you believe that? I found out recently, and I’m just…” I shake my head, exasperated. “And then my father, of all people, is cheating too. It’s like they both decided to throw their vows out the window! What kind of example is that for Blue? And don’t even get me started on Shawn.”

I can feel the words spilling out of me, each one heavier than the last. “He’s been flirting with other women right in front of me, and it drives me insane. I don’t know why I still love him after the cheating—maybe it’s because he was my first. And I hate that I love him. I hate that I can’t stop thinking about him, about us. But then, there’s this whole mess with you, Onika. I don’t even know how to explain it.”

I don’t give her a chance to respond. I’m just on a roll now, the weight of everything pouring out like a flood. “I feel guilty for what happened between us, for what I did to Shawn. I mean, how could I betray him? But it’s like—there’s something about you that draws me in, that makes me feel things I didn’t think I could feel again. And I feel so guilty, and confused, and frustrated with myself for letting it happen.”