Break Me

18

Six months had passed since that fateful day when I had walked out of the apartment, leaving Trevor and Morgan behind. Time had a way of dulling the sharp edges of pain, but it didn't erase the scars. Each day felt like a delicate balancing act, a constant struggle to keep my heart intact while also trying to move forward with my life.
As I stepped onto the campus, the brisk autumn air was filled with the scent of fallen leaves and pumpkin spice. It felt strange to be back in the familiar rhythm of classes, lectures, and study groups after everything that had happened. But I had made a promise to myself: I would not let my past define me. I would not let it consume me.
I had spent the past few months throwing myself into my studies and my friendships. Amy and Daniel had been a constant source of support, their love and laughter filling the small apartment we shared. It wasn't perfect, but it was home—a safe space where I could breathe, laugh, and forget, even for a moment, the heartache that lingered just beneath the surface.
Today was the first meeting of my LSAT study group, a chance to meet new people and prepare for the next steps in my academic journey. I was excited but also nervous. I had been so focused on surviving the past few months that I had hardly allowed myself to think about the future—about law school, about my dreams. I took a deep breath as I walked into the library's study room, trying to quell the flutter of anxiety in my stomach.
The room was bright, filled with natural light filtering through the tall windows. A group of students was already gathered around a long table, their laptops and notebooks spread out like a vibrant tapestry of color. I spotted a couple of familiar faces—friends from my classes—but I also noticed a few new ones.
"Hey, Ellie!" Lauren called from across the room, waving me over. I made my way to her, feeling a little more at ease as I took a seat beside her.
"Ready to tackle this LSAT monster?" she teased, nudging me playfully.
"Ready as I'll ever be," I replied, grinning back.
As the group leader began to introduce the session, I couldn't help but glance around, taking in the faces of my new peers. I paused momentarily when I saw a face I didn't recognize from the week before. He was sitting across from me, his dark hair slightly tousled, wearing a navy blue sweater that accentuated his broad shoulders. He had a warm smile that lit up his face, and when our eyes met, I felt an unexpected spark of interest.
The study group kicked off, and he quickly proved that he wasn't  just good-looking, he was also incredibly knowledgeable. He answered questions with ease, explaining concepts clearly and engagingly. I found myself drawn to him, laughing at his jokes and enjoying the friendly banter that flowed around the table. By the end of the session, I felt a sense of camaraderie that I hadn't expected.
When we decided to wrap up for the night, we all lingered, chatting and getting to know each other better. Ethan was especially friendly, making a point to include me in conversations and asking my opinion on various topics. It felt nice to connect with someone new, someone who didn't carry the weight of my past with him.
We began to form smaller study groups to tackle specific sections of the LSAT, I found myself partnering with Ethan more often than not. We quickly fell into a comfortable routine, meeting regularly in the library to work through practice tests and review materials. I appreciated his easy-going nature and how he never pressured me to share more than I was comfortable with.
One afternoon, as we sat in our usual spot, poring over a particularly challenging logic game, Ethan suddenly looked up, his expression serious.
"Hey, Ellie," he said, his voice steady but laced with something more. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course," I replied, trying to read his tone.
He took a deep breath, as if steeling himself for what he was about to say. "I really like you, Ellie," he continued, his eyes searching mine for a response. "And I was wondering if you'd want to go out sometime."
My heart raced, a mix of surprise and apprehension flooding through me. I had sensed that our friendship might be veering toward something more, but hearing him say it out loud sent my mind spinning.
I felt a lump form in my throat as I processed his words. Part of me was flattered, even excited. Ethan was a great guy—kind, intelligent, and undeniably attractive. But the truth was, my heart still belonged to Trevor. No matter how much time had passed, no matter how much I tried to move forward, I couldn't shake the lingering feelings I had for him.
"I... I'm really flattered, Ethan," I finally managed to say, forcing a smile. "But I'm not looking for a romantic relationship right now."
His expression fell slightly, disappointment flickering in his eyes. "Oh," he said quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. "I understand."
"I'm really sorry," I added, my heart aching for him. "It's just... I've been through a lot. I'm still trying to figure things out in my life, and my heart is... complicated."
He nodded slowly, running a hand through his hair as he tried to compose himself. "No, it's okay. I get it. I just thought I should be honest with you."
"Thank you for being honest," I said, genuinely appreciative of his courage. "I really enjoy spending time with you. I hope we can still be friends."
Ethan forced a smile, and while it didn't quite reach his eyes, he nodded. "Of course. I'd like that."
The rest of our study session felt different. The air was thick with unspoken words, and I could sense the shift in our dynamic. I wished I could have reciprocated his feelings; I wished I could have let someone new in without feeling so tied to my past. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't escape the shadow Trevor cast over my heart.
"How was study group?" Amy asked, glancing up with a smile.
"It was okay," I replied, dropping my bag on the floor and sinking into an armchair. "Ethan asked me out."
Amy's eyes widened in surprise. "Oh! What did you say?"
"I told him I wasn't interested," I said, running a hand through my hair in frustration. "I just... I can't."
"Ellie," Daniel said, turning from the stove. "Are you sure that's what you really want? I mean, he seems like a good guy. And you deserve to be happy."
"I know," I sighed, feeling a familiar heaviness settle over me. "But I still think about Trevor. I can't help it. I don't want to drag someone else into my mess."
"Maybe it's time to let go of that mess," Amy suggested gently. "You can't keep holding on to the past forever. You have to give yourself a chance to heal."
I looked at her, my heart aching with the weight of her words. "I know. I just don't know how."
Daniel finished stirring the sauce and brought two bowls over, placing them in front of us. "You take it one day at a time. That's all you can do."
We sat together, the warmth of their friendship wrapping around me like a hug. But as I looked down at my bowl, the truth was that I felt lost. I wanted to move on. I wanted to heal. But the memories of Trevor lingered, a ghost that haunted my thoughts.
One chilly Friday evening, as I was finishing up a long week of studying, Ethan texted me, asking if I wanted to join him and some friends for a casual get-together. I hesitated but decided that a night out might do me some good.
When I arrived at the small apartment where the gathering was being held, the atmosphere was warm and lively. Laughter filled the air, and I quickly found myself relaxing as I mingled with Ethan and his friends. We played games, shared stories, and slowly the tension in my chest began to ease.
At one point, as I was sitting on the couch chatting with Ethan, he leaned in a little closer, his voice low. "You know, I really admire how you've handled everything. You're strong, Ellie. It's inspiring."
"Thanks, Ethan," I replied, feeling a warmth spread through me. "That means a lot coming from you."
He smiled, and for a moment, it felt like we were the only two people in the room. It was nice to feel that connection, even if it wasn't romantic. I could see the kindness in his eyes, and I appreciated how he had been there for me.
As the evening wore on, we settled into a comfortable rhythm of conversation, jokes, and laughter. I felt a sense of freedom, a relief from the weight I had carried for so long. Just as I was starting to truly enjoy myself, Ethan leaned back and looked at me, a serious expression crossing his face.
"Ellie, can I ask you something?" he said, his tone shifting.
"Sure, what's up?" I replied, curious about what he might say next.
"Do you think you'll ever be ready to date again? I mean, like, really date someone?" He paused, his eyes searching mine for an answer. "Or are you still hung up on your ex?"
The question hung in the air between us, charged with the weight of my unspoken emotions. I took a deep breath, unsure of how to articulate my thoughts. "Honestly, I don't know," I said finally. "Part of me feels like I'm moving on, but...it's complicated."
He nodded slowly, his expression understanding but also tinged with something more. "You don't have to rush anything, you know. I'm just asking because I like spending time with you, and I don't want to overstep."
"It's okay," I reassured him, appreciating his sensitivity. "I really enjoy hanging out with you too. It's just that... my heart is still figuring things out."
As I spoke, I noticed the flicker of disappointment in Ethan's eyes, but he quickly masked it with a smile. "That's fair. Just know that I'm here if you ever want to talk or need anything."
I smiled back, grateful for his patience and understanding. "Thank you, Ethan. That means a lot."
My friendship with Ethan solidified over the next few weeks. We studied together, shared late-night talks, and even started planning a hiking trip for the upcoming weekend. The anticipation of our adventure brought a new spark of excitement to my routine.