My Gender Journey (ftm?)

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20/10/2024

Hey there, reader! How are you doing? Sorry if this is awkward, it is the first time I am doing this kinda shit - like talking about my gender identity in public. 

I am not really encouraged to talk about my gender or sexuality in public most of the time, as - like everyone - there is always a risk of being harassed, hate-crimed, hurt, etc. (you know all that jazz). I have "come out" to my close friends and family MANY times, never seriously, because I am always having my gender identity change. You may hear this and think: "Oh you fuck-twat, you are just genderfluid!" But personally, I don't find it very comforting. I don't feel that label is right for me. 

Over the years (at least 2 of me questioning my gender), I have found many labels and tried to fit into them. Some being:

- azurgirlflux 

- cassgender / cassgirl

- demiboy/demigirl

- transmasculine

- trans ftm

- non binary 

- neutrois 

- agender

Just to name a few... Yes, now you can see why I am writing this. I am in desperate need to find out who I am. Most mature people would say, "you're still a teenager - everything is changing. You don't need to figure all that out!" Which can be true, but I want to understand who I am so I can fit in with everyone. (Please, if anyone has any comments or things that could help, please share them down below!)

So, a little bit about who I am. My dream name as of now, (as I have also wanted to go by many different names) is Josiah/Joe. I'm thinking of keeping the rest of my name the same, even though I have a second first name that is more feminine. Or maybe I won't change my name at all. See, I know many people online have this ONE idea of how trans people can be. I used to have dysphoria, or at least, an uncomfortable feeling when looking at my body and how I am addressed socially, but now I just feel like... lost. I don't really have it anymore. I don't hate my birthname. I don't despise my body. With me being queer or queer-bodied or trans-bodied? (Whatever the term) I just feel like I don't want to "change" my body. I just want to enhance it.