VALERIE LAID in bed, her body heavy against the sheets, staring at the ceiling. her phone sat facedown on the nightstand, buzzing with notifications she couldn't bring herself to check. she hadn't spoken to anyone in days, not even olivia. texts from her friends went unanswered, missed calls piling up. the group chat was filled with messages, but valerie hadn't opened it once.
she wasn't sure why she felt like this. her life was perfect on paper—her music was successful, she had a close-knit group of friends who cared about her, and she was finally getting the recognition she'd always dreamed of. but none of that seemed to matter right now. all she could feel was the empty weight that pressed down on her chest, making it impossible to move, impossible to care.
the eating disorder she thought she'd left behind had started creeping back in. skipping meals here and there had become skipping entire days of eating. at first, it was easy to justify—she was busy, she didn't have time—but now it was more than that. the hunger was a distraction from the numbness, something she could control when everything else felt so out of reach.
she glanced at her phone, debating whether to look at the messages. she knew olivia had texted her multiple times, probably worried by now. valerie felt guilty, but she couldn't bring herself to respond. what was she supposed to say? that she was spiraling again? that even with all the success she'd achieved, she felt lonelier than ever? that despite everything going right in her life, something inside her was broken?
she turned over, pulling the blankets tighter around herself, burying her face in the pillow. her body ached from lying in bed for so long, but she didn't have the energy to get up. it was like her limbs were weighed down, her thoughts a fog she couldn't wade through.
scrolling through social media only made it worse. her friends were posting pictures of nights out, laughing, smiling, their lives looking so full. her fans were tagging her in posts, talking about how much they loved her new song, how much she had inspired them. she wished she could feel the same excitement they did, but right now, it all felt so far away, like it belonged to someone else.
another text lit up her phone.
imessages
livvie
val, are you okay? please text me back. i'm worried about you.
valerie's thumb hovered over the screen for a moment, but then she locked it again, tossing the phone aside. she couldn't handle a conversation right now, even with olivia. olivia, who knew everything, who had been there through the worst of it all. if anyone understood what she was going through, it was her, but that didn't make it easier. sometimes, it made it harder.
she closed her eyes, trying to block out the world. the noise in her head grew louder, filling the silence with thoughts she didn't want to confront. the pressure of her career, the expectations, the feeling that no matter how much she accomplished, it would never be enough to quiet the doubts inside her.
why did she feel like this when everything in her life was falling into place?
the question echoed in her mind, but there was no answer. just a deep, hollow ache that wouldn't go away.
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