Whispering With You

38. The minutiae of our time together.

Sutton

I WATCH AS A TRIO OF RED berries get sucked into the vortex of the swirly milk tornado I created with my spoon, the cereal soggy and the milk slightly pink. Cap'n Crunch Berries is one of my comfort foods. Vivi knows this, and it's why she plucked down two deep ceramic bowls and filled them with the sugary cereal after my shower tonight.

I moped around all day after leaving Kelly's, hiding in my room for most of it, only emerging to use the bathroom or refill my water cup. At around 6:00, my sister barged into my room, peeled the covers off my body curled into a fetal position on the bed, and forced me into the shower.

"Are you ever going to tell me what's going on?" Vivi asks between slurps of milk straight from the bowl. I don't even have the energy to be grossed out by this, which I suspect she knows and is why she's drawing out the process longer than usual.

"You know." I stir the milk again, recreating the milk tornado, watching the mushy berries succumb to the death trap.

"Kelly, obviously." Hopping off the stool at the counter, she walks to the sink to rinse her bowl. Then she focuses her attention back on me. "Care to elaborate? Or should I guess?"

When I barely lift my eyes to acknowledge her, so transfixed by the contents of my bowl, she continues the one-sided conversation. "The novelty of the secret relationship has worn off?" she guesses, examining my face for a reaction. She must see something because she nods. "Right. And now you're wondering how to move forward, if you even can move forward." Another pause to study me; another nod of recognition from her. "You feel stuck because you can't go back to before living in a fake LaLa land where you two sling insults at each other in some strange flirtatious dance. Because now you know, and you can't unknow. But you also can't live this lie anymore either."

I shove the bowl aside and clunk my head down on the hard surface, my groan muffled, trapped.

"Sutton." Vivi's voice is low, threaded with so much pity that I can't stand it. I can feel her gearing up for the "I told you so" and I don't want to hear it, no matter how justified she might be in saying it.

I shoot up in my seat, level a glare at her. "Don't, Viv. Don't even fucking say it."

Throwing up a hand to halt my movements as if she too predicted my reaction, she says, "I wasn't going to say anything, Sutton."

"Yeah, well, you don't have to say it. I can feel it rolling off you in waves. I get it. You warned me this would happen. I was stupid not to listen, right? Well, you're wrong. Because I still don't regret it. Even if I feel like shit right now. Even if I don't know what happens next. Even if nothing happens next. If this is it. The end. I still don't regret it. Because it was all worth it. Even if it was just this...this..." I wave my hand around, searching for the words, and when I can't seem to find them, I deflate, my anger dissipating as quickly as it formed. With slumped shoulders and a wobbly chin, I stare at my sister, willing her to finish my thought.

"Major love affair?"

"More like the great love of my life. My great love story." Tears stream down my cheeks and I'm too weak to deal with the tall task of wiping them away, my limbs feeling so very heavy all of a sudden.

"Sutton," she says, grabbing my hand across the counter. "It's not as big as all of that..." And I don't know how she's going to finish the sentence—was she going to dispute my claim that Kelly isn't my great love story or that it isn't the end of my great love story—because we're interrupted by a knock on the door.

The unfinished statement hangs in the air as we stare at each other with wide eyes. We both know who's on the other side of that door, and the knowledge ratchets my heartrate, the irregular beating a staccato beat so loud I'm almost certain Vivi can hear it in the silent kitchen.