My Regret

20. Bright - forgive but never forget

I want to cry but I cant. I need to be strong for my family. My mom are crying in my dad embrace. Grandpa lay weakly on the bed. I look at my daddy who act strong. I need to be strong for all of them. Everything will be alright.  Phi bible are strong. It just temporary.  I know he will wake up from his deep sleep. I nearly faint when the doctor declare phi mile need urgent operation because of his appendix . He is neglecting his health for so long. But what we found out that his condition are not only because of his appendix,  he also have a tumor in his stomach.  I am shaking with fear but I act like strongest man. I am strong. It should be me. Why him, why phi bible.

On his 6th day, phi bible finally wake up.  He look at me and smile.  How could he smile. I cant say a word and keep crying.  He maybe hate me, but I never prepare to let him go. I am so scare. Phi bible gently hold my hand. Oh shit, I forgot I hold his hand dearly. I am sorry , I said quickly.  I try to pull my hand but phi bible hold me tight. I am sorry, he said. Before I reply to him, i need to focus on his health.  I should call a doctor.  So I quickly ring the bell . Now everyone are waiting at the vip room. I am here with my husband.  I want to be with him. I try to be invisible.  I sit as far as I could but I want to be in his room.

Phi, I quickly run to phi bible when he suddenly help to clean the table. Since he is bored,  I allow him to be at the cafe. After the operation he need a long leave. Luckily daddy, still young and healthy.  So everyone force him to rest until he back to his normal self. I am incharge of his recovery. You can't, I said slowly but quickly take the plate from phi bible.  I quickly clean the table. Phi bible look at me without word. Please go back to your table, I said slowly but firm. I gently pull him to the table I prepare for him. It very nice and beautiful.  Everytime he accompany me here, I will make he sit here.  I look at the dessert and the food I prepared.  Luckily he finished all his food. Bright, phi bible call me. I look at him. Thank you, he said. I just nod and run to my counter. He is stubborn.  I need to check on him from time to time.

I look at the document phi bible give to me. Divorce paper. I look at him. I am shaking but I cant say a word. Thank you for everything,  thank you for being my husband. I wont force you anymore. Dont worry,  the orphanage house and land already transferred to your name. I promise,  no one can touch them again, he said . I still confuse.  I am sorry for everything.  All of our misery are because of my stupidity.  I lost you. I know you won't forgive me. So I will let you go, he said calm and clear. Again I only can look at him. I am sorry bright. You don't need to forgive me. I take it as my punishment,  he said again. I am sorry he said.  After he caress my hair , he leave me in the room. I am confuse. What is happening.  I read all the documents.  Our divorce paper. His will. How he transfer all his property to me. I slowly grab my wallet and run to my parent house . Mom who are shock with my sudden visit quickly hug me. What happen baby, he ask me. I cant even talk to her. I just cry non stop. After my dad and grandpa fail to comfort me, they look at each other.  Please don't cry baby, tell me. I will help you my mom said with a tears. She must be hurt looking at his son who crying non stop. Where is bible, grandpa suddenly ask. I stop crying for a while and run to my room. I don't want to see phi bible.  He hate me. He reject me again and again. I have enough. 

What ever reason is, you should ask for forgiveness. I dont care if it baby fault , my mom said. I nearly smile when I listen to her. She always on my side since we were young. After a few moment, I heard someone open my door. I quickly hide in my blanket.  It so quiet. I think I stop breathing. I quickly get up when I heard some one sit beside my bed. Not sit but phi bible are kneeling. Phi, I quickly pull him to get up but he push my hand slowly.  What should I do, he ask me. For the first time I look at his eyes. I can see his tears.  I can see his guilty,  i can see his sadness but I cant find hate. He suppose to hate me. Since he refuse to get up, I kneeling beside him. What should I do, I am sorry bright, what should I do to stop your pain. Please don't be hurt anymore, blame and hate me, but stop being hurt phi mile said with lots of tears. I can see his red eyes.  What should i do he ask me sadly.  I dont know.  I am really confuse now. I am too scare to respond. Please don't cry anymore, he said and wipe my tears.  I hate to see your tears, but I am the person who make you cry. I think I am crazy , he said again. Phi, I call him gently.  I dont want him to blame and curse himself.  What should I do bright to stop all your pain, please tell me, he beg me. I can see he is sincere.  I know he is punishing himself after he know the truth. I know everything will be differ if I told him the truth. But I am too hurt and angry. I love him but he push me cruelly from his life. I know I can do it differently but I just drowned in my sadness. I just too young .
You should love me, try your best to make me happy, slave yourself to me, but you divorce me, I said with full of tears. You hate me so much. You don't want to see me anymore, that why you divorce me, I said again. No, I dont hate you, I just don't know how to be with you. All I can see is your pain, he said quickly. I am willing to be your slave if you allow me to. I am too scare to even dream about it. I am living with your mercy. I thought you hate to be my husband. I know you hate he said . No, you just want to disown me like you used to. You make me felt orphan twice, now you want to disown me again, I said. No, never ,I will always be your family.  I just want to let you free, you will never happy with me, he said quickly.  I look at him. I am this hurt and scare when you are sick. Do you think I can be happy if you leave me, I ask him. He now look at me like stupid man. You want to be with me, he ask me slow but clear. I dont know but I never thought of divorce I said.

Phi bible now look at me. I am sorry,  It my mistake.  I misunderstood your feeling. I will be with you forever.  I will be your slave . I will try my best to make you happy. I will make you love me back. I will try until my last breath, he said confidently.  I look at him and smile. Icant promise to be the best husband because you hurt me so much, but I know I will try my best too, I said.
Phi bible quickly hug me. I am sorry, he said again. I wont let you down, he said.  Since I am too tired I felt so sleepy.  For the first time after our engagement I felt really sleepy. I want to sleep. I want to rest. I want to let go of everything. 

When I wake up,  I am on my husband body. He look at me like I am the most precious thing. Sorry, I said and quickly run to my mom. Now our family who are waiting for me smile happily.  Since you are a kids only you phi can comfort you, all of us can't do anything.  You just need your phi, my mom said sulky.  I quickly hug her. I am sorry mom, I slowly said. My mom look at me and smile. You can angry, you can tantrum but don't leave me again, she said . I wont, I said.

2 years later.

I am helping  zack but he keep teasing me because of hickeys phi bible give to me. I am angry, so I dont answer his call.
Stop being spoiled , zack said . I know phi bible will be worry, but I need to give him lesson. He always Mark me when he need to go abroad of leave me for a few days. He said he want to make sure I will not forget him. I dont mind if he only leave Mark, but I cant walk for days. and I cant help zack to prepare for angels day, our monthly event.

Sorry, phi bible said when I wake up this morning. No, you are not, I said angrily. I know his smile mean everything.  Dont blame me, you are too tasty. I will miss you so I need to taste every part of your body, he said shamelessly.  Phi,  I yell at him. You know you taste like vanilla, he said blantly again. Now I am vanilla, before I taste like milky chocolate.  I just push phi  when he suddenly kiss me. Sorry,  let clean you, he said.  I nod and hug his neck. I think I am okay now. I dont hate my heart beating because I am happy now. Before I pray my heart to stop because I am in pain. I think I am okay now.

If anyone ask me , do I forgive phi bible.  The answer is I don't know. I just need to move on. To move on I need to forgive but I definitely never forget.

The end

Thank you for reading ❤️
02.11.24