The Lady with Checkered Glasses

delusion

Today's rant - a reminisce about a certain past (crush)

Yes, I just started it with delusion. 

Why? Simple. Because I'm freaking delusional.

Delusion, is it healthy? Is it not? Or is it both?

Naturally, my opinion would be it depends on the person. Personally, it is not.

It's not healthy. The top reason? it makes you crazy.

A psycho. A delusional. And an assuming bitch. (sorry for the language but yeah bitch.)

Imagine a crush you have from more than a year ago, specifically, 19 months ago. 

Damn, that was that long ago? 

ANYWAYS, so, it was like an on or off crush, right? But your mind was thinking of a teeny tiny hope of your crush still thinking about you. HAH, DELUSIONAL! 

Who are you to think that he's still thinking about you? Are you Jennie from Blackpink? Lily James? or Kendall Jenner? 

That's right, you're not. Because you are YOU.      ick

What do I mean by that? The answer is YOU are the cause of your delusion.  ouch

Maybe it was something that you haven't done in the past that you so regret not doing. Or maybe you just gaslight yourself that you could have that life if things were different.

There are a ton of reasons and causes for it but I know that the ones who made this are ourselves. 

From deluding of that 19-month crush, I know for a fact there's one thing I regret so much that causes me to delude. Which was not speaking out to him.

The feeling of not being able to talk or speak out to him just because of a lot of factors (worry, insecurities, and fear of his reaction). The failure to tell my feelings,  thoughts about us, and personal desire for what I want the two of us to have in the next few days, weeks, months, or years- That's the biggest regret I have.

So, how dare I expect or assume that whenever he views my story, he still remembers me? 

How dare I delude on things like meeting him again and he'll immediately shout my name from afar? 

How dare I assume that maybe there's a one percent chance that I'm the person he was talking about or dedicating the song he posted on his notes?

Just thinking about those desperate thoughts is just sad and lonely.  double ouch

The reason why even after many months have passed and not seeing each other again, he still shows up in my mind is that I kept on holding on to that one day when it was the last time we saw each other, the linger of wanting to reach out to talk to him one last time, holding on to the delusion that maybe, MAYBE, something might change and that things might be different now.

If I had just done what I should have done, If I had just said to him that I want to see him more, chat with him more, message him on Insta- MAYBE...

However, the universe does not allow us to have the things we want so easily. People come and go and one reason they do is because of a mistake or missed timings and opportunities.

Though reckless decisions and actions make different and unexpected results, it's not a bad thing to try, right? 

Think of it now as yourself 19 months later, five years later, or even a decade later regretting not doing anything at this moment and thinking about what could have happened and changed if you had done what thought you wanted to do at that moment.

Like what they say we write our own future, it's us, the authors of our lives, and one who makes the change.

It's the choice of either hesitating then regretting then leaning towards delusion or getting out what you really want to say or do from your heart and just thinking of the consequences later. 

Now, that does make me sound like a reckless bitch, doesn't it? 

If you're okay with being delusional then just turn your delusion into an inspiring one of what you want to achieve as a goal, in short, a happy delusion. 

If you realize that delusion of yours is sad and unhealthy then think of what you regret in the past and make it as a reminder to avoid in the future and instead do what you should have done if the same opportunity comes your way again.

Lastly, too much delulu is not healthy and might harm your mental health which is trululu.

- hope the person writing this can take the advice as well -

Written by: The Lady with Checkered Glasses