Gifts and roses..-*

Chapter 19 - idiot.

Sanemi paced his room restlessly. The walls seemed to edge closer in on him with every turn. His hands flexed at his sides, fists tightening and loosening as he tried to burn off the lingering anger. His knuckles were sore and reddened, the result of taking his temper out on a tree earlier. He had been through this cycle too many times- anger, frustration, then nothing but confusion. It was starting to become unbearable.

He had spent the majority of the day trying to sleep off his problems, but when that didn't work, he resorted to training in the forest, which also didn't seem to solve his problems either- seeing as he got too angry to do anything that resembled practice. So now, he was back at home, still at square one. "Fuck," he growled, slamming his fist into the table, causing the wood to groan under the pressure. "I'm such a fucking idiot."

He couldn't stop replaying the scene in his head- the way Giyuu had looked at him with that cold, detached gaze, like Sanemi was nothing more than a stranger, or worse, an enemy. And it was all his fault. His stupid, reckless mouth had ruined his one shot at apologising. He'd pushed Giyuu even further away by saying the wrong thing, and now he was sitting here, wallowing in his own mess like a worthless loser.

"Pathetic," he muttered, his voice dripping with self-loathing. The anger he felt toward himself was a familiar burn, but this time it was different. It was deeper, more vicious. He couldn't just let it fester. He needed to do something. Anything. Sitting around like this, letting the guilt eat him alive- it wasn't going to solve a damn thing.

He grabbed his haori, roughly slinging it over his shoulders as he stormed out of the building. His movements were brisk, almost violent, as he threw open the door and marched outside.

Sanemi's cycled through the few people he could turn to. Obanai- he hated him. Mitsuri, she probably couldn't stand him either after everything. And Giyuu-well, that bridge had burned down long ago. Genya? They weren't on good terms. Tanjiro? Too much of a stranger to even consider. It was the same story with the rest of the Hashira. With every name that crossed his mind, it dawned on him just how many relationships he had fucked up, and just how little people he was friends with. He clenched his fists, then groaned, lashing out at a rock, sending it skidding violently across the garden.

"Damn it." he grunted under his breath, trying to make up his mind as his frustration simmered. "I can't keep doing this," he told himself, the thought clawing at him. Living like this- lost and cut off from everyone- was wearing him thin. He hated feeling this trapped, this desperate. It was like every door had slammed shut, leaving him stranded with no idea how to handle the mess he'd made. He desperately needed help.

He ran through his options again, not that there were many. Out of everyone, Mitsuri was probably his best bet. "Of all people..." he mumbled bitterly, the thought making him uncomfortable. She probably wanted nothing to do with him after everything, and why would she? He'd treated her like crap. But what choice did he have? Mitsuri was the only one who might help him figure things out- if there was anyone who might still listen to him, it was her. She was the kindest person he knew.

He let out a sharp breath, his decision finally made. It was a long shot, but he had to try. Swallowing his pride and going to Mitsuri was the only option left. He couldn't live like this anymore. She was his last chance to fix something- anything.

"Get your shit together, Shinazugawa," he muttered to himself as he started walking. This had to be done.

The walk to Mitsuri's estate didn't take long, probably because he had gotten accustomed to speed walking these days. When he reached the gate, he let himself inside and made his way up to the door, his footsteps thudding softly on the path as he approached. He raised his hand and knocked- three solid raps.