Lilly's stories

Paralyzed

Paralyzed.
For me this word has a lot of meanings.
For me it's not only a state or a sensation.
For me is also a mood, a style of life.
Maybe can sound weird, but I can explain it.
When I look out the window I see the clouds moving, i feel the wind between my hair, in summer I feel how hot the weather can be but I can't feel the time passing.
When i go out I can see the people walking, working, talking but it seems like I'm not there, like I'm watching them trough a screen, like I'm watching TV.
When I'm at school it's like I'm not there, like I'm dreaming.
When someone hug me I don't feel the hug.
When someone talk to me it seems like their talking to a wall, to a ghost; I can hear their voices but I can't feel and understand them.
When someone tell me that they love me I can believe them but I can't feel their love for me.
When someone give me advices I can take them but I can't follow them.
For me the word PARALYZED means this.
When you can see but not be part of.
When you can see but not feel it.
When you can talk but not control and decide what your saying.
When you wanna change something but feel like you can't.
When the only place you can be in is your head and not in the word or in your own body.
The only moment that I feel something, the only moment that I know I'm a person is when I hurt myself and see the blood going down and feel some kind of pain; the only moment that I can escape from my head...
That's what being paralyzed means for me...