Lilly's stories

This is why.

This is why.
If you ask me why I wanna die I Will probably say that I just cannot go on like this anymore, I'll say that I'm too scared and tired,  that I don't want to fight against my monsters anymore but neither share my mind with them.

But if you make the same question to the real me, the one who lives inside me and perfectly knows how it feels, the answer would be different.
She would say that she wants to die because she doesn't know another way to make the pain ends, she would say that she wants to die because she doesn't see a tomorrow for her, she wold  say that she wants to die because she's tired and wants to get real rest for the very first time.
She would answer that pain is the thing she knows better, that her monsters have always been in her mind to control her life.
She would answer that she found pleasure in self-harming since she was a little girl, the only thing that has ever been able to calm her and make her mind stop running for a while, the only thing that has ever made her escape her mind for a moment.
She would say that she's tired of living this life full of pain, full of traumas, full of crisis, full of abuses, full of fears, full of arguments, full of bullying and mostly full of voices in her head saying that she's not enough, that she's ugly, that she's not good at anything, that she's a mistake, that she's not really loved and that nobody cares about her, that she's only a body.
Neither years of therapy worked enough to change what she thinks about herself.
She will tell you about all the nights spent awake unable to sleep because of her thoughts and anxiety, all the nights she hurt herself  just to stop the pain and get some relief, all the nights she spent thinking about suicide, all the nights spent hoping it would be the last one, all the nights she hoped to wake up in an hospital bed to see if someone would really come to visit her, all the nights she finally fall asleep but then woke up sweating, shaking and with headache; all the nights she spent with her monsters, the ones who also were her best friends, the ones who were always there for her, the ones she told about everything.

This is why I wanna die.
This is why SHE wants to die.