Lilly's stories

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3 February 2015: I made my first attempt.
That day for the first time in my life I felt the urge to take my own life, unfortunately I'm still here, still alive, writing and telling stories about my life and my mental illnesses.
After that day my whole life changed...
My world broke down, right above my shoulders...
For the first time the "monster" in my head won...
That day I let him win for the first time...
I started thinking if it's normal that a little girl wants to take her own life at only eight years...
The day after, 4 February 2015, I felt my body being weak for the first time...
For the first time I experienced how weak a body can be without any energy, how much difficult can be even just trying to get up from the bed...
For me that morning was unreal, for me it was like I made it
It was like I wasn't on earth anymore, but then my mother voice brought me back to life and I started crying because I was still alive and because I was feeling guilty,but even after all I got up and started to smile again and came back to my life and started playing the part of the happy little girl again until the night comes with another crisis, until the next attempt, until my eyes will decide to close forever...
After that day I tried and tried again every year, at least once a year without success...
Soon it will be 10 years from that day and I feel worse every single day...
Will I ever recover...???
Will I ever get better...??
Will I ever be able to stop trying to kill myself...?