Lilly's stories

The funeral

The funeral.
But who's the funeral...?
Well I don't think it's mine, even if I'm dead that's not my funeral
Why?
It's simple, my family hates funerals
Probably even if I'm gone they would cry, be sad and then continue their lives...
Honestly I don't mind, because I'm already gone and also because I'm not the type of person who thinks that I'm worth enough to receive a ceremony in my honor.
Now the question is: when a person is worth enough to receive a ceremony in their honor?
For me, is a person who has lived their life and not survived it.
A person who  has made a lot of things.
A person who has no regrets.
A person who has lived their dreamy life.
A person who has made experience.
A person who LIVED.
I'm not that person.
I survived, not lived.
I passed my whole life in hospitals, trying to kill myself, fighting against depression and anxiety.
I passed I whole life taking pills.
I passed my life being bullied and without the force to defend myself.
I passed my life trying to forget and go trough all the abuses.
I WAS NOT WORTH ENOUGH TO RECIVE A CEREMONY IN MY HONOR.
No one can change this thought.
My mental health was a mess and every thought I had was  negative.
I tried to change, to be a better person but every Time I came back to the start and the person I was.
And then I was too tired to continue trying and fighting for a life that I didn't want.
People told me that life can be beautiful and worth fighting for, but I was  still questioning myself if that was real; because I never had a reason to live.
Where was  the key...?
There was a reason why I should continue...?
I was begging someone to tell me the reason because I didn't see it, I never seen it.
MY HEAD WON.