Buddie - One Shot Series

If I Can't Have Him

WARNING TAGS - Mentions of alcohol. Panic attacks/anxiety. Vague suicidal ideations. Swearing.

CATEGORY - Angst. Sadness with Comfort. Feelings Realization. Fluff.

PREVIEW - Eddie struggles with not having Christoper at home. Buck comforts him.

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Eddie pressed play on the TV remote, resuming the past memories on the screen.

"C'mon Chris! We'll go in together."

Buck's voice filled the living room. A young Christopher popped up on the TV screen with Buck kneeling beside him. The sun glared on the camera, causing a brief flash of white. Blue ocean waves came into view as sparkling sand surrounded them.

"It's okay to be scared. We are right here with you."

Eddie took a sip of his beer and leaned further back on the couch. He stared at the screen blankly while his past self turned around the camera to face the ocean. The camera shook slightly as he propped it against their cooler, angling it to get a better view of the three of them.

"Okay, ready?"

"I think so," Chris said, sounding nervous but appearing calm.

"We got you, Chris. It's okay."

Eddie watched as past Buck smiled at him, eyes soft and squinting against the afternoon sun. They each grabbed one of Christopher's hands, Eddie on his left and Buck on his right.

"Here we go!" Buck exclaimed, taking strides toward the water together.

Hand in hand, the three of them walked down the beach together. The ocean water lapped up the shore, smoothing the sand under its strong movement. Giggling and laughter now filled the room.

"Ahh!" Christopher happily shrieked as the water touched their toes. Buck glanced over at Eddie, a worried expression lacing his features. Chris was taking the reintroduction to the ocean well, but the reality was, Buck was still very nervous. This water almost took everything from him. Eddie gave Buck a reassuring nod and a big smile. They continued walking into the blue water until it reached their knees.

"It's cold!" Chris whined, giggling. Buck laughed nervously, holding onto Christopher's hand extra tight as a wave pushed against them.

Eddie paused the TV, his eyes brimmed with tears. He stared at their past selves on the screen. Buck smiling joyfully at him as they waded into the water with his son. Buck holding onto Christopher's small hand, protecting him like he always does.

Eddie tossed the TV remote onto the floor and downed the rest of his beer. He couldn't break his eyes away from the screen. That first day back at the beach was so happy and hopeful. They planned that day for weeks. Wanting to make sure Chris felt comfortable going to the pier after the tsunami. Eddie knew how important this was for him and Buck. The two most important people in his life. He knew he wanted to capture the moment on video and revisit it again and again. But now he only felt jealously. Jealous of his past self and how things use to be. 

"Fuck," Eddie swore, wiping the fallen tears from his face. He missed his son. The burn in his chest grew and festered. There's a hole inside him that swallowed every other emotion. His life without Christopher felt wrong and hallow. He wasn't sure how much longer he could live in this quiet house without him. It's just a house without his son in it.

A sudden sob escaped his throat and his shoulders shook as he cried. The empty beer bottle rolled from his lap and onto the floor with a thud. He pushed his palms into his eyes and stood quickly from the couch. He needed to numb this feeling.