Uwull For A Princess: A Magical Girl Pretty Rasputin-jesus-kun Story

Prowologue

That night, the citizens of the kingdom of Oof had left the city walls to sing songs and celebrate wine season in the summer haze. Rasputin-jesus-kun had just invented a new genre of music he called Nightcore, and the city peasants couldn't get enough of it. Rasputin-jesus-kun had become quite the celebrity, his horrendous voice echoing through the streets like a city-wide alarm clock (they hadn't been invented yet). Karrot-kun had sat scowling from the sidelines of the party, his bright orange hair acting like vibrant stage lights for Rasputin-jesus-kun's performance of "Bring me to life". 

"WAKE WATASHI UP INSIDE ~" Raspu-jesus-kun squealed out of the normal human hearing range, thrashing his silky locks back and forth as he head-banged to the music. His muscles bulged as he pulled of a series of dance moves in quick succession, taking out several people in the process. After finishing his song with an uncomfortable looking k-pop pose, Rasputin-jesus-kun stepped over his victims and sauntered over to Karrot-kun to take a swig of his 5th glass of wine that night. 

"Nya~ I was so kawaiiiii~" he drooled, spilling red wine down Karrot-kuns blue school uniform. 

"BAKA, ITS NOT LIKE I ENJOYED YOUR PERFORMANCE OR ANYTHING" Karrot-kun pouted and looked away, furious that moths had started collecting around his bright orange head. 

"Watashi should sing another song desu~" Raspu-jesus-kun hadn't even heard his kohai and was already striding back towards the stage to the horror of everyone else present, who had already suffered permanent hearing damage from his last performance. Karrot-kun sighed, staring wistfully into the distance like a true main character. But wait, what was that he just heard? 

"La la la, la la la, o ba a ma careeeee" what was that deep manly voice resonating through his angry head! Karrot-kun's kokoro pounded and he sprung from his seat-chan. He made a kinda weird gasping sound and clenched his fist. 

"I WILL FIND WHOEVER IS SINGING, BAKA" He took a dramatic step forward in slow mo, before smashing into a solid, pink, slightly sweaty mass and falling to the floor.

"Ahh~ kawaii janai desu~~~" groaned Rasputin-jesus-kun, now suffocating Karrot-kun under the weight of his glistening pecks. Karrot-kun growled from underneath, trying to push Raspu-jesus-kun off of him to no avail.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU BAKA" He practically screamed into Rasputin-jesus-kun's glittery barbie-pink face.

"Watashi must find who is singing~! So kawaii... so nya~ so...oishii~!!" Rasputin-jesus-kun screwed up his face into a nya and emitted hearts from his head, but was swiftly smacked back to reality as Karrot-kun shoved him away and stood up. 

"I'M GOING TO FIND THIS SINGER, NOT YOU YOU YEAST LOVING WIFE STEALING BAKA" Rasputin-jesus-kun gasped, a pink manicured hand flying to his heaving chest. 

"Ee-ehhh~???" But Karrot-kun had already taken off in a run ... well jog ... maybe an amble.... and Rasputin-jesus-kun was falling far behind! He couldn't let this neon orange beast find the source of this beautiful manly sound before he did! Rasputin-jesus-kun took off after his opponent, his fists clenched up by his glorious chest, skirt billowing in the wind. The citizens of Oof looked on in awe, before simultaneously lunging for the karaoke mic. 

Roughly 69 metres away, Rasputin-jesus-kun and Karrot-kun came to a stop - their path was blocked by tall, crumbling tower! How could they face this treacherous obstacle...they weren't prepared for such dangers...were they really willing to put their lives on the line to fin-

"La la la, la la la, o ba a ma careeeeeee" 

"There it is agai-"

"BAKA"

"-We must be close uwu~!" Rasputin-jesus-kun sped towards the tower in a flash of red. Made of mossy stone and wood, the tower twisted menacingly into the sky, which had clouded over in the last 2 seconds. A bolt of lightning sliced open the sky, it's thundering boom sending shockwaves through the chiseled chin of Raspu-jesus-kun and lifting up his skirt to reveal red communist panties. He studied the cobblestone. 

"Just like in Minecraft~" he murmured, the clouds collapsing like the soviet union into heavy raindrops that soaked the prophet to the bone. 

"Hewoo, hewooo, is anybowody thewre~" Rasputin-jesus-kun yelled up towards a window, right at the top of the tower. 

"TYPICAL CAPITALIST ARCHITECTURE" Karrot-kun huffed from behind, "NO DOOR TO GET OUT, WINDOWS TOO HIGH UP, MADE WITH FLAMMABLE MATERIALS. TUT TUT TUT THIS IS AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN" Rasputin-jesus-kun didn't seem phased by Karrot-kun's momentary lapse into sentience, as he continued to search the base of the tower for signs of life. Suddenly, as unexpectedly as Rishi Sunak on a train, a beautiful figure appeared at the tower window. Karrot-kun and Rasputin-jesus-kun took a step back, cos like that tower was really high and they couldn't see shit. The figure leant out into the sunlight (yeah it's not raining anymore), catching the rays on his gloriously shining head as he held a hand to his lacy bodice piece. 

"Fair adventurers, what brings thou to mine lonely tower, for I hath not seen another soul in so long and I wish to talk to thee" 

"WE HAIL FROM THAT CITY OVER THERE" replied Karrot-kun a little harshly, pointing a finger towards the very obvious city just 200 metres away. 

"...ah, I see" the figure paused "An age I hath waited for my prince to come rescue me from this prison, but alas I am still here. Hath thou traveled such a long journey to rescue thine princess!?"

"Princess~?! Uwu what is thine name fair maiden?"

"My name...is Princess Obama-chan!'