Iqarus: The ICEE Polar Bear

Prologue

Dear Diary,

I drank a whole jug of Cucumber lime Gatorade today. I didn't even know the peculiar beverage was still in production, let alone that it was ever available in jug sizes. It's all that stupid haunted artifact's fault! I was a perfect upstanding 27 days ago citizen before I found that thing... or was I? Maybe it's just making me think I was, because I take zero responsibility for my own actions which have lead me on a downward spiral. Either way, I'm getting pretty thirsty so I'm off to get some more cucum... what have I become?

The young Jazzabelle concluded her entry, brought back to her rundown apartment, where she has lived for 8 years. New York New York... But it's all the artifact's fault... yeah. Anyway, she stood with melancholy, instead of sitting, 'If I'm standin' I ain't sittin', therefore I am.' She thought, but it changed nothing whatsoever. The artifact had still ruined her life. 'I'm really hot, but apparently I'm not allowed to sweat, so obviously I should get inside the fridge, duh!' She thought. So she got inside her half-century old fridge, and umm... yeah, those fridges can't be opened from the inside, so in reality Joker should be dead, Todd.

Chapter 1: Enter ICEE

"My name is Imhotep Carbon-Emission Eeepeep, and I am a registered nurse, but I can't save lives when I'm too busy making them. Get it? Actually my real career is an ultra mega top secret super spy, I can learn anything about anything, that's how smart I am. My idol is definitely Dwayne Johnson, because he's so honest."

Actually, Imhotep Carbon-Emission Eeepeep isn't any of those things, it's just a story he wrote of himself in a comp notebook while bored at work. Imhotep is a skinny 6'1" 53 year-old man, working at a floor-tile company as a catalogue writer. He's only been there for 3 years, after working as a TV commercial writer for 30 years, he was fired and divorced twice! Both wives found out about the other, so man this guy is just a total loser, and he knows it.

Eeepeep's coworker, Dan the telemarketer, walked up and snatched the notebook out from beneath his hand and pen. "What's this, Imhotep?" Dan asked.

"That's mine." He replied. "Please give it back."

"Carbon-Emission?" Dan was already reading it, "Wait a minute, your middle name is: Carbon-Emission?"

Imhotep avoided eye contact, darting his eyes away from Dan's, tilting his head down in shame, finally admitting, "My parents were very environmentally-"

"Of course they were." Dan cut him off. "So that means your initials are: ICEE?" Dan kept laughing, "I mean I'd say that's the one good thing about you, but now I really want an ICEE, and I can't have it, which make being around you even worse." (Don't worry guys, Dan's gonna die first.... Second... shoot, I just spoiled a lot, didn't I?) Imhotep was used to the ridicule, but there was really nothing he could do about it, if he spoke up he could easily be replaced by AI. Again!!! "What other sick desires do you have?" Dan asked rhetorically as he turned the page.

"'I have experience as the world's third deadliest assassin.' Why make yourself number 3 at that point?" Eeepeep had no response, so Dan kept reading. "'Of course I used to have a tell, all killers leave a mark, and mine was just as sadistic as my victims.'" Dan read the next passage in utter shock, confusion, and repulsion. "'My mark was to show up to my victim's funerals and seduce their wives, then after a hot, sultry evening, I would leave with no explanation whilst they slept, just like their husbands.'" He shot Imhotep a glare that said it all, then turned back to read. "'Not all my victims had wives though, so instead I seduced their mothers-'" He could barely finish the sentence, looking up at Imhotep, just completely ashamed of him. "Dude, what is wrong with you?"