The Ingenue

Kate's journal

Dad,
     I don't know what to say.  Bella called this evening, and we were discussing her graduation next month. December is here and her birthday is near. Christmas  has always felt more joyous since she was born.  But daddy, my worst fears have come true. Bella says she found the "one" and that they have been dating in school over a year. She says she wants to bring him for the holidays to meet us. You know traditions for me have always been about being surrounded by family.  As I opened my mouth to decline the idea, Bella interrupted abruptly.  "Mom, he's coming with me. This isn't just my boyfriend. He wants to get married, and I need you and dad to give us your blessing." I don't know if I was shocked or startled, but a gnawing feeling arose in my heart. "Bella, your graduation is coming up. Do you really think you need to be getting married so soon? You're not even 21 yet! I'm not sure I'm okay to give you my blessing.  This wasn't part of the plan." Silence fell for a few seconds between us. "Mom, this wasn't part of your plan. I have done what you asked, but this is my life, not yours. If you don't want to meet him, I will go to dad's for Christmas and let him give us his blessing." Oh dad, I know you know the thoughts that came up in my head felt like acid in my throat. This stupid girl is going to throw her entire future away for some guy. Some guy that probably won't stay.  Some guy that only sees her for what he can gain and not what he should give. Maybe I'm past pessimistic. Maybe I'm paranoid. Why is a relationship that ended more than 25 years ago still haunting me to this day? What I wanted to say back to her about this fruition stayed dangerously swaying at the tip of my tongue. But in true Bella fashion, she found the words to keep my rant from jumping into the abyss of unwanted advice. "Mom. I know what you're thinking.  He's not Gabe. And I'm not you." Ouch. Tranlation: "I'm not a child or some stupid girl who thought I knew what love was at 17. He's not your high school boyfriend that broke your soul and your heart." I silently managed a "hmm. Okay Bella" while I realized the part of me that could slay others with my tongue, my double edged sword was no match for Bella who had inherited the same talent yet her soft blow was a complete knockout. She has perfected her gift, or my heart can't imagine a life without her in it. In so many ways. I succeeded in her mercy. A few more seconds of silence and then exchange of goodbyes, love you, and mention of calling back at a better time, the phone went silent. I plopped my head down on my pillow, aware of how heavy my body felt. It was only 8 o'clock in the evening, but the entire conversation left me weak. Lying on my side in my bed, I flipped off my lamp as frustration and fear pulsate through me. Before I knew it, great sobs came from me as it took me back to that night. The one where you laid weary in bed but sitting up. Your lamp on as you tried to show strength and wisdom. "Kate, I know you want to have a boyfriend, and I know you are smitten with that football player at school. But you're too young to date. You aren't even 16 yet." As I defiantly walked away from your room saying ,Dad, you don't understand how I feel
I'll be sixteen in less than 3 weeks! You can't tell me what to do my whole life. What's wrong with Gabe!!!?? He doesn't even know I exist, and you're already telling me he's not good enough? Your face in the soft light showed pain I couldn't understand until now. "Kate, I'm your father. No one will ever be good enough." Right then and there, I screamed at the doorway, turning towards you to prove my own independence. "You're being unfair! I hate you.  I wish I had a different dad who cared about how I felt more than how he thinks!" I know the moment I turned back towards the hall and stomped away angrily that I had slain you. But as I lie here tonight in this memory, I know now exactly how deep I  went. By morning, you were gone, and I never got the chance to take it back. Only wish Bella knew this was not about a boy. Nothing hurts deeper than watching the ambulance drive away, knowing that was the end of being fifteen.  I miss you dad.