Poison of love

Mason

The anguish suffocates me. I feel a fierce tightness in my chest, as if an invisible hand is dragging me toward an abyss of pain. I look around, but the world appears distant and unreal. The sun has already set, and the city lights up with cold illuminations, while the roar of cars and traffic mixes with the chaos inside my head. I can no longer think clearly. Every thought slips away like sand between my fingers.
I put a hand on my chest, desperately trying to breathe. I inhale deeply, then let the air out, but it's not enough. My heart beats faster and faster, and the tightness becomes unbearable. Inside me, there is only anger, a turmoil of disappointment and hatred. Hatred for him, that man whom I once considered a father.
Charlie is waiting for me with the car parked a little further ahead. I see him, I feel him watching, but I can't meet his gaze. I only throw him a bitter glance before walking away, getting lost among the city streets, aimlessly. I feel lost, like a fish out of water, estranged from the world around me. The images of that night come back relentlessly, like shadows I cannot chase away.
I feel disgusting.
How could he betray me and Mom like that? Weren't we enough for him?
Anger rises within me, impetuous. I want to destroy everything around me, unleash the chaos that poisons my soul. Now everything is clearer. My past has come knocking at my door, and this time it won't leave again.
I have lost my way.
I have no home to return to, no place where I can feel safe. I don't know where to go... Or maybe I do.
The only place left for me, the only one where I can free this pain that grips me.
And after a long walk, I find myself in front of the campus. My hands are sweating as I take out my phone. I nervously scroll through the recent calls, but I don't find his name. Then I remember that I haven't dialed that number in too long. I search through my contacts and call. He answers on the second ring.
"Where are you?" I ask, and my voice comes out harsher than expected. There's a moment of silence before he replies.
"In my room," he says, and I catch a hint of a smile in his tone.
"I'm coming." I hang up without waiting for more and head toward the dormitory.
I know very well that what I'm about to do is wrong. It's not fair, neither to her nor to us. Yet, the only thing I want right now is to let myself be overwhelmed by my insecurities, by the memories that torment me.
I walk through the dormitory corridors, and as I pass in front of Jess's door, my fist instinctively clenches at my side. Rachel's words echo in my head... the night spent with Jess... Everything is so confusing, so damn tangled in my mind.
I keep walking and stop in front of the door I haven't stood in front of for a long time. I grasp the doorknob, but hesitate for a moment. I glance to the right, at the end of the hallway, where Jess's room is. My heart beats fast. Then I turn back to the door in front of me and decide to enter. I close the door behind me, and she immediately approaches slowly. She wears a leather mini skirt and just a bra, her long hair tied up in a high ponytail. She's so provocative. Did she dress like that just for me? She always did, every time I came to see her, night after night. I look into her eyes as she stares intensely back at me. She gestures for me to sit on the bed. I sit on the edge, my trembling hands buried in my hair. I grip it tightly, take a deep breath, but the anguish doesn't ease.
"What happened to you?" she asks softly, as her hand glides over my leg in a gentle caress.
"I don't want to talk about it," I reply brusquely, my gaze fixed on the floor. Then I lift my head, look her straight in the eyes, and take her hand from my leg, gripping it tightly as if to convey everything I can't say.
She leans toward the nightstand, takes a bag of weed, and hands it to me. In silence, I prepare it, rolling it up and bringing it to my lips. I light it and inhale the first hit. That familiar sensation washes over me, that flavor I've missed. I lie down with my head on the bed, continuing to smoke, hit after hit. She crouches beside me, pulls the cigarette from my lips, and takes a hit herself. Then she hands it back to me, and we continue like this until it's finished.
My body seems to find a moment of relief, but my mind is still trapped in my pain. Thoughts collide and crowd together, and I can't stop them. I need them to stop. I need a break from myself.
I spring up abruptly, as if propelled by an invisible force, and she immediately follows me, grabbing my wrist. I turn, lowering my gaze to her hand that holds me.
"Where are you going? Aren't you staying?" she asks, her voice betraying a slight plea, almost trembling.
"I need to drink," I reply through clenched teeth, angry.
"I'm coming with you," she insists.
The desire to drink, to hurt myself, to extinguish every thought is stronger than anything else. I can't think of anything else. It's a necessity that burns inside me, more powerful than any reason. We head to a nearby pub, one of those that never closes, where darkness mixes with the smell of stale alcohol. We sit at the bar, and without hesitation, I order a glass of whiskey. The bartender hands me the glass, and I grab it without even looking him in the eye. I fixate on the amber alcohol swaying slightly in the glass, then bring it to my lips, drinking it all in one go. The burn in my throat is almost comforting, as if, for a moment, I can suffocate the chaos in my mind.
I keep drinking glass after glass until I feel trapped in a tunnel with no exit, where every path seems endless. The more I walk, the more the streets seem unreachable. My head starts to spin, my vision blurs.
I suddenly rise, swaying on the stool. Ana tries to help me, grabbing my arm, but I shrug her off. "Let me be, I can handle it myself!" I curse through clenched teeth, frustration coursing through my veins.
I head toward the bathroom door, leaving Ana behind me. I enter and lean my arms on the sink. I look at myself in the mirror: everything is blurry. My mind is chaos, my hair is messy, and I feel my legs slowly giving way. I hold myself up with my hands and splash cold water on my face. I curse, tilting my head back, trying to shake off the discomfort. When I exit the bathroom, I rush outside the pub and light a cigarette. I lean against the wall, trying to regain some clarity, and I see Ana approaching.
"I missed the old you," she whispers close to my ear, and I spit out the inhaled smoke, grimacing.
"Are you happy now?" I ask, bringing my chin close to hers, tracing a finger along the hollow of her chest and sending a shiver of pleasure through her. She moans, biting her lip, as I slide down to her exposed belly, drawing small circles with the tips of my fingers.
"Wasn't this what you wanted from me?" I ask her, feigning bravado. I feel a rush of adrenaline as I blow out the last puff of smoke from my mouth and drop it, crushing it as if I were in a frenzy. I grab her hair and pull her back in anger, the impulsive gesture triggering a déjà vu of the previous night when I had grabbed Jess's hair. Anger overwhelms me as my eyes water. I yank my head, trying to push that bitter thought away.
Suddenly, my lips are close to hers, and I kiss her violently. The passion, confused and intense, explodes within me, and in the contact of our mouths, I feel a frustration and desire I can no longer control.
"Did you dress like this for me?" I whisper in her ear as she surrenders to my hold and kisses.
"You know I always do everything for you," she admits in a sultry voice. These words further provoke me, fueling the desire to unleash all my excitement and repressed anger on her. Her hand rests on my erection, but I reflexively block it.
"Not here." I take her by the arm and pull her to follow me into the pub. We reach the bathroom, I push her inside, and lock the door to prevent anyone else from entering. I take her by the nape of her neck, kiss her roughly, and touch her passionately. I can feel she enjoys this side of me, just like in the old days. She reacts, caressing me insistently.
She pushes me against the wall, undresses me, leaving me bare-chested. Her nails scratch my defined abs, and she runs her tongue over them in a long lick. I can't hold back a small groan of pleasure.
"Yes, this is how I want you," she murmurs in a sexy voice as she continues to touch and kiss me.
Just then, I feel my phone vibrate. I take it from my pocket and read the notification: it's Jess.
"Shit," I curse to myself, memories I'd rather forget flooding back. I feel an abrupt sense of reality and pull Ana away from my body.
"What's wrong?" she asks, confused.
"We better stop," I reply, struggling, my voice breaking with anguish. I put on my shirt and leave the bathroom without looking back. Outside the pub, I inhale the cold night air and look at the phone I already hold in my hand, reading the message: 'I already miss you.'
I stand frozen in front of that message, my heart racing. Then I let the phone slip down to my side, putting it in my pocket and leaving behind everything that was happening in that bathroom. The night is freezing, and the biting air cuts my face as I slowly walk along the sidewalk. The dim lights of the pub fade behind me, but the chaos inside me shows no sign of calming. I have no destination, yet I move away, driven by the urgency to escape this place, the shadows of Ana, and the memories of Jess overlapping in my mind.
I walk through the deserted streets, alone like a stray dog. I look up at the sky, but even that seems to abandon me: a starless night, dark as the emptiness I carry within. I feel nothing anymore. My heart is a desert, and inside me, there's only a great silence. Since my mother died, a part of me vanished with her. Now I feel dead again, a second time.
I stop in front of a bench. I let myself drop down, legs spread apart and head tilted back, my body heavy. I take my phone and, without thinking too much, I call Charlie.
"Are you okay, sir?" he asks, pulling up the car to the curb. I nod silently. I suddenly rise and get into the car.
"Where to, Mr. Mason?" he asks, glancing at me quickly in the rearview mirror. I look out the window, a deep sigh escaping me.
"Take me to the cemetery," I reply, my voice broken by sadness.
When I arrive, I find myself in front of my mother's grave. I kneel, my trembling hand resting on the headstone to avoid falling.
"I know you're angry with me, and I can't blame you. It's been too long since I last came. I've had my head elsewhere, with training, studying... and then... I met a girl. Her name is Jess. She's been here once, but I didn't introduce you. She's amazing, genuine, beautiful. You would have liked her, I know. But I can't keep going like this. She's part of the problem. She's the daughter of dad's mistress, the man who left us alone that cursed night. He never had any respect for either you or me. And in the end, who paid the price for all this? You. And now it's my turn to carry the weight of what he did. But I won't let him go unpunished. He must pay for the pain he caused us. He deserves nothing from me. I am no longer his son, and he is no longer my father. I swear, Mom, I will take my revenge. I will make him suffer, just as he made us suffer. And I will do it for you."
Tears fill my eyes, and I murmur, almost in a whisper, "I love you, Mom."
I slowly rise, my body heavy as if every step requires immense effort. Charlie waits patiently for me outside the cemetery. Before getting into the car, I light a cigarette. It's the only thing that can give me a little reprieve at this moment.
During the drive back to Cambridge, I book a hotel room not too far from college. When we arrive, I get out of the car and tell Charlie to pick me up in the morning. I need to gather some of my things from home because for a while my refuge will be here. I need a new place, far from the memories, at least until I find another solution. But I won't go back to that house. The memories with Jess would destroy me. And I can't afford to sink any deeper than I already am.
I enter the hotel and head to the reception. They hand me a card, the key to my new solitude. I take the elevator to the tenth floor. With my head against the wall and my hands in my pockets, my thoughts engulf me. I think about what happened with Ana. I was a coward to leave her there, alone in that bathroom. But I wasn't clear-headed, and I'm not now either. I just need silence. Not to see anyone, not to hear anyone.
I arrive at the hallway and stop in front of room 210. I enter, close the door behind me, and go straight to the fridge. I open it, hoping to find something that will help me forget, even just for a while. No alcohol. I sigh, irritated. I call room service and order a couple of beers from the bar. I drink them quickly, leaning against the window while a cigarette burns between my fingers. The phone vibrates on the bed. I turn, pick it up. It's Jess. I reject the call, and immediately a pang hits my chest. The wounds I had temporarily buried resurface, painful. I take a deep breath, turn off the phone, and slip it under the pillow. I lie down on the bed, seeking rest in a sleep that comes quickly but offers no respite. Even in sleep, my torments do not abandon me.