By Another Name

Chapter 18.

*Note: Potentially triggering topic of sexual abuse discussed in this chapter. It has a purpose and is very important to the story and development of the characters, but please be advised if that is a trigger for you, you may want to avoid or skim this chapter.*

AL

48 hours is not necessarily unusual. If all of the drama at the wedding hadn't gone down, maybe I wouldn't even be missing him. I sent him the text before the concert. I was hoping for at least a small response this time. Damn it. I am waiting on him like some love-starved puppy. It's the worst thing, the worst feeling.

It's what my mum did all the time. I remember it vividly. My dad took me fox hunting at his friend's country house each year after my 5th birthday. We spent so much time together driving to Roderick's country house, and once we got there, making up my room with pretty pink curtains and quilts. It was only for a week each time we went, but I loved the color and couldn't go without it. When I was very young, conversation between us consisted of his life's wisdom spilled out to me in manageable bits.

"Don't ever let yourself go, Linny" he would say to me. Linny was what he called me, my nickname. "Bloody women get fat and mean when they get married." And I knew he was right, even at 5 years old because I had seen the pictures of their wedding, and how mum looked now. I remember everything he said to me, because I could see he was right.

"Linny, you have to look sexy so a man will want you. Trust me. Be thin and then get him and stay thin and keep him a happy hunter."

I consider he was just being honest, and even as a grown up now, I think he is entirely right. I am no Bridget Jones, and the Bridget Jones' of the world do not really get the guy in the end. Life is not a romantic comedy.

His advice reflected in the fox hunt that we did at Roderick's country house. That hunt represented life to me. At first I was scared of actually catching the fox on the hunt, but after a few years, the barking and horses and the rushing and excitement... I fell in love with it. 

 When I was 12, I came down the stairs in the country house, dressed to the nines for a party with my little friends who lived in the neighboring country houses. Slinky pink dress, heels he had allowed me away from Mum, and as much makeup as I could have stolen from her bag without her noticing. Dad was sitting with the other men who came to the house to hunt, Roderick among them.

"Linny!" Dad exclaimed. "You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!"  Roderick chuckled. Roderick seemed old at the time, but he was only in his mid 30's. He was a gorgeous man with full thick brown hair and ruddy beard. He was tall, maybe 6'3" and wore a kilt most often. He had beaming blue eyes, and I had quite the crush on him, visiting as I did at his massive and elegant country house, and watching him in action on the hunt. It was just that night that I started flirting with him. I felt I was subtle, but I was 12, so perhaps it was more obvious than I imagined at the time.

"Roderick, do you think I'm lovely too?" and the men laughed.

"Linny, dear, I am sat here smitten," he replied, giving me a wink and a smile.

Daddy said, "Come here and sit with me a minute." So I crawled on to his lap and he hugged me. Roderick kept his eyes on us, on me. I felt very special. "You have a good time tonight then, right? I'll send Bobby round for you in the morning, okay?" I kissed my father on the cheek and got up to follow the driver out the door. Roderick watched me the whole way, I could feel it. And when I turned around to check, there he was with a look in his eye that spelled what to my 12 year old mind was mischief, and a thrill went through me that was undefined, new, and addicting.