Fragments of Us: A WinterWidow Short Story

Chapter Two

The last mission had been brutal. The target had slipped through his fingers. But that failed in comparison to the true loss of the day. Agent Youngblood, new to the field, but with strong potential. He was skilled and eager. He wanted to prove himself and had the determination to do so. He'd had a bright future and family waiting for him. He had everything going right for him. His wife was due in just a couple weeks. Now Bucky would have to break the news to her that her husband had lost his life. He'd added more blood to his hands. It never seemed to end. Even when he was trying to fix thing. He found a way to make it worse.

The weight of the failure pressed on him as he walked back into the S.H.I.E.L.D. base. Before he had even made it to the heart of the building and agent stopped him, requesting a status update . Bucky found himself forced into giving a a brief explanation, all the while feeling the exhaustion pulling at him like an anchor.  He wanted nothing more than to get some food, knowing full well that the cafeterias options would be limited and likely cold or soggy, and then disappear into his room where he could be alone, but duty demanded his time. 

Mid-conversation, his eyes wandered, catching on the familiar figure and striking red hair. That hair would stand out in a crowd of thousands, but it was her eyes that always found a way to hold him captive. The deep emerald green that he had become adapt at avoiding. But there were times when all careful efforts and actions to distance himself from her failed. He found himself in one of those times now, frozen in place as he watched her, breath escaping his lungs as she moved to take a step towards him.

He couldn't stop the images that followed. Walking through the door of their apartment, exhausted from a mission, only to be met with her smile. The way her hair fell around his fingers when he pulled her close. The way she fit so perfectly against his chest, heartbeats matching as one. A long scalding shower meant to clean off the worst of the mission. Her touch grounding him, while he washed away the blood and dirt. But they were a dangerous indulgence. They made the reality of what had happened between them much harsher. The emptiness more obvious. He had to stop. Had to pretend that the past never happened. It was the only way he could get through this.

Part of him wished it was him. That his memories were gone, that he could be free from the ache. But he couldn't wish this pain on her, not when it was his own past that had caused this, reason it had happened came from his own past. It was better that she got to move on freely. So he dealt with it. He hid from her to protect them both.

Bucky forced himself to tear away from her gaze, and abruptly ended the conversation with Simpson. Simpson may not have been satisfied with the status update, but Bucky would have a full debriefing within 24 hours. Priority now was getting away from her, escaping from the chance of conversation with her. Food could wait, she was too close to the cafeteria and he no longer knew her schedule. She could be on her way to grab a bite herself.

He turned down the corridor, a stretch of identical doors - only defined by the name plaque to the left of each door- passing like a blur until he reached Steve's office. He dropped his go bag on the floor  and sank into the rigid chair across from Steve's desk. The only sound in the room came from Steve shuffling papers.

"That good huh?" Steve spoke but didn't look up, his eyes focused on whatever was on the papers in front of him.

Bucky leaned back, rubbing his temples with his right hand. The ache was beginning to settle in his bones and the chair was not helping, it wasn't meant for relaxing in. Just quick meetings he supposed. Then again, he'd been sitting in the leather for less than 2 minutes and had already found it uncomfortable. He couldn't imagine any one finding it to be. "What's next?"

"You take a break." Steve replied, still focused on whatever files he was working through.

"Not an option." Bucky countered, he kept his voice tight refusing to leave room for argument. "Where do you need me next?"

Steve looked up, eyes softening with worry. "Buck, you can't keep going like this. You're gonna burn out. You need to take a break and rest."

"Rest means I have time to think." He shut his eyes and muttered the words "Thinking means her." It slipped out, raw and unguarded. He tried so hard not to talk about it with others. To put on a strong outer wall. Because one false move let the cracks grow. "I can't Steve. I need to stay busy. Please."

Steve's shoulders sagged as he watched his friend slowly fall apart. "It's only been a few weeks, there is a chance she could-"

"Thirteen weeks and two days. But who's counting?" He forced a bitter smile, unzipping his jacket and letting it fall open. "There isn't hope for this. We have talked about it. It's not a chance I can afford to take."

"She's asking a lot of questions Buck. Is it really fair to keep her in the dark when it clear she recognizes pieces missing? You love her, you can find a way to make it work. We all do. It's a part of our life style."

"I don't want  to love her Steve..."

Steve looked up from his file, slowing closing the folder to give his friend his full attention. "Buck you don't mean that-"

"Zemo's drone, the torture, the mind wipes, dying. All of it was easier than this. I know what loving her means and it's killing me."

"What exactly does it mean Buck?"

"That I have something to loose. They already used her against me. If I still love her then it doesn't matter if she remembers. They will still use her against me again, and next time -" His voice faltered, a tremble echoing in it and he looked up at Steve.  "What if next time I can't save her?"

Steve stood, walked around the desk and leaned back on it's edge. HIs arms were crossed and the look on his face told Bucky he understood. "You can't change it like that. Thing is, with the way it ended between the two of you, you will likely always love her. Loving her is a part of you, and it's a part of her - even if she doesn't know it at the moment."

"I know..." Bucky whispered, his determination to fight dwindling. He rested his elbow on his knee and pressing his forehead into his palm. "Bruce and Tony, they said they were working with the machine? Trying to fully understand it. Could they-" he took a deep breath and looked up at his long time best friend. "Could they-?"

"Bucky" Steve interrupted him, a stern ton in his voice but Bucky didn't miss his eyes widening for a split second. "you can't be serious. You know the risks. You've lived them."

Steve was right. It was a reckless and stupid idea born out of desperation. But if a short moment in the hallway could break him so easily how could he survive this close to her? How could he keep from unraveling completely?

"Then get me a transfer. Europe, Or S.W.O.R.D. or anywhere. I can't be here anymore."

"Listen to me Bucky." Steve leaned forward speaking with a gentle but firm voice. "You were strong enough to handle the mantle of Captain America. Strong enough to make the choice to let her go for her own protection. If you need to get away I understand, and I will support you. I'll do what I can to get a transfer put in. But know this, I believe in you. I know you can do this."

Bucky met his friends eyes, filled with loyalty, just as they had been when he first made the choice. He bit down on his lip, nodded and reached for his go bag tossing it over his shoulder. "Just get me another mission."

As he left the office his stomach growled, reminding him just how long and taxing the day had been. He resigned himself to risking the cafeteria. Hoping that a meal would dowl the feeling gnawing at him. After eating he could retire, find solitude in his room and attempt to sleep off the exhaustion before starting all over again the next day. Hopefully by the time he woke his briefing would be ready and Steve would have a new mission pieced together. One that could pull him away from the memories that threatened to drown him.