Fragments of Us: A WinterWidow Short Story

Chapter Four

Bucky pulled his collar up the rain sinking into his skin like an unwelcomed guest. He kept his head low but he still had to squint against the the wind that was sending sheets of rain across his face.  It wasn't enough to shield him, droplets still found their way down the back of his neck and along his jaw, dripping into his shirt and sending the chill further down her body.  Around him the city buzzed, living up to its name. Even in the rain no one seemed to slow down and rest, let alone sleep. Others ran past him, looking for shelter, umbrellas tilted and buckling under the pressure of the wind.

He could have been one of them, if he'd thought to bring an umbrella. Did he even own one? If he did it was likely still mixed with her things. The thought stung, just like every other thought about her had. He wouldn't have thought to grab it when moving his items out. Unlike many of his belongings that he had grabbed this one could be easily explained away even if she couldn't remember for certain where or when she had obtained the umbrella.

The weeks that had followed the tragic mission and her hospital stay had stretched in a numb void. Each day feeling more hollow than the one before. Thirteen weeks of searching for her face in a crowded room, not out of hope but of dread. Knowing that if he spotted her it meant retreating, not wrapping her in a hug. To find a corner where her laugh wouldn't reach him, or the smell of peach shampoo wouldn't taunt and test him. It wasn't her seeing him that worried him, nothing would happen. It was what seeing her could do to him in only a matter of seconds. The trembling fingers, the racing pulse, the way his heart threatened to shatter each time -- that was what he feared. Every unexpected meeting left him feeling fragile, like he was walking on glass.

Time was supposed to heal it, that's what the stories said. Songs rang of hearts stitching back together and feeling whole once more. But he couldn't help but feel as if they were lies. Time hadn't healed anything, not for him. Leo had won. Leo would live in solitude now, but he had still won. He had taken her laugh from his life, her touch, every piece of light that she brought into his life. He had taken one of the only things Bucky had going for him. One of the only things he loved.

The wind whipped at his wet hair, tossing the strands into his eyes. He brushed it back as he stepped into the little Chinese restaurant on 34th. Water dropped off his coat to the tile floor below, joining the drops that had fallen off a dozen other coats and the mud from shoes that had mixed through out the day. Warmth wrapped around him from the moment he stepped foot in it's doo. The savory aroma of chicken mixing with soy and chili filled his nose. Music played from behind the counter but it was too muted for him to place the exact song or artist.

He stepped to the counter and reached for his wallet. The teenage girl behind the desk smiled up at him. He'd seen her here several times, she looked just like the older woman who typically took his order when he came for lunch. 

"What can I get you today?"

"Just an order of kung pow chicken and lo mein." His voice came out rougher than he had intended, but she still smiled and tapped with the screen with practice motions. 

"Is that everything?"

He nodded, avoiding her eyes as he pulled out his card and tapped it against the card reader. The machine beeped, a confirmation that payment had gone through and the transaction completed, but it was the sound from behind him that sent a dagger through his chest. A laugh. Her laugh. He paused, not sure if he should look for her or just pretend nothing had happened.

"Is that to stay or go?" The teenagers voice drew him from his daze. He looked up at her, his face filled with a mixture of emotions. 

"Uh- to go."

"And what's the name for that?"

"Bucky."

"That'll be ready in a few minutes." with that the girl turned and went to help in the kitchen. 

He let his gaze wander to the dining room, searching for her. She sat at one of the far tables, her fiery hair tumbling in curls over her shoulders. She leaned forward to say something to the man across from her. Matt Murdock. The lawyer laughed and gave an easy smile. But it faltered for a moment and Bucky knew- The man may have been blind but he had an uncanny awareness.

Natalia turned, green eyes catching him and holding him in place. She didn't flinch, just smiled. "Agent Barnes? I didn't know you came here. Why don't you join us?"

He almost wanted to laugh. They had stumbled on the spot together months ago during another downpour while looking for a bakery that Bucky had told her about from his youth. She had been convinced the place would still be in business years later, him not so much. They never had found it, but they'd found a new favorite for Chinese take out. 

He forced a smile, very aware of how tight it felt. "I have to work to finish. Besides I wouldn't want to impose on your date."

"You basically live at S.H.I.E.L.D.," She gave a teasing smile, pointing at him with her chopsticks, a silver of orang chicken between them. He had seen this scene play out a hundred times. Natalia stealing bites of his kung pow claiming it hit the spot but never ordering for herself. 

She wasn't wrong. He did live there now. He tried to take on as many missions as he could now, so he was rarely home. No point in getting an apartment that would sit empty most of the time.

"I'm out now aren't I?" His reply was much weaker than he wanted, a shadow of his usual retorts. 

Matt looked up at Bucky, a subtle shift in his expression. One Natalia would have caught and questioned had she been facing Matt. The expression told Bucky everything. Matt knew. He knew the reason for Bucky's discomfort and history that remained silent. 

"I'm sure Agent Barnes has things to do." Matt interrupted smoothly, but his voice was empathetic. "Maybe another time?"

"Bucky." The cashier called his name, holding a plastic bag with his order inside.

Relief flooded as he had a reason to escape, he turned and clutched the bag. "Thanks." He muttered while stepped towards the exit and bracing for the chilly rain he was about to reenter. 

"Bucky, take a break." Natalia's voice followed him to the door. "Have some fun. Find a girl, you deserve that. Don't let Fury and Steve work you to death."

He paused, hand on the glass door. He turned to meet her gaze, ache raw in his eyes. "I had the perfect girl. I made too many mistakes." 

The confession slipped out, soft and resigned. Before she could change her expression he pushed out the door, water instantly hitting his face and needling across his skin. He tightened his grip on the bag, fingers trembling from the encounter. Bucky hunched his shoulders and made his way back to his 'home.'  

Matt would treat her right, he had before, and Bucky had no doubts he would do it again. But it didn't dull the pain; only made it sharper. She was moving on, and we was still stuck in the past.