Falling Again in Batangas

05: AGAIN

Some say, a love that returns was never truly gone.

If that's the case, then I guess I'm still into him, I'm still inlove. Or should I say, I fell in love again?

Ewan ko.

His subtle care earlier, his knowing looks, his words that held deeper meaning, it all points to that thing. It was as if our bodies remembered what our hearts tried so hard to forget.

Huminga ako nang malalim kasabay ng pagsilay ng ngiti sa labi ko bago ko tinungga ang natitirang alak sa hawak na wine glass.

It's almost three in the morning, and everyone's still partying in the cottage-singing, drinking. Medyo hindi na kaya ni Reign kaya hinatid ko na siya sa room namin. We're sharing the same room din naman.

Pagkatapos ko siyang ihatid, tumambay na muna ako dito sa may pool na medyo malayo sa cottage namin.

Umupo ako sa pinakamalapit na lounger saka inilapag ang basong hawak. Rinig ko pa rin dito ang ingay na nagmumula sa barkada but it was low enough to give me the solitude I needed.

I looked up at the sky, the stars were perfectly scattered, and the crescent moon was shining brightly. Ang sarap pagmasdan, it was so relaxing.

Napayakap ako sa sarili nang maramdaman ang lamig ng simoy ng hangin pero agad din iyon nawala nang may maglapat ng kung ano sa likuran ko, almost covering my entire body.

Nilingon ko ang dumating, si Clarence, na ngayon ay nakaupo na sa lounger na kasunod ng inuupuan ko. Medyo mapula na ang mukha niya dahil sa nainom but I'm confident na kaya niya pa. I know him, hindi siya madaling malasing.

He awkwardly smiled at me. "Okay ka lang? Bakit ka nandito?" sunod-sunod niyang tanong.

"I'm fine, Clarence. Gusto ko lang mapag-isa. How about you?"

"Oh sorry, babalik nalang ako." Tumayo siya at akma ng aalis nang magsalita ako.

"No, you can stay here. It's...fine," sambit ko saka iniwas ang tingin sa kaniya.

Dama kong nag-alangan pa siya bago siya tuluyang bumalik sa pagkakaupo. Ilang sandali pa kami nanatiling tahimik, tila nagkakahiyaan.

Nakakailang, sobra. Pakiramdam ko na-estatwa na ako sa kinauupuan ko. Para bang bumigat lang ang paligid ko sa pagdating niya, pero ayaw ko rin naman siyang umalis.

"I've missed you, Angge."

Pakiramdam ko nanlamig ang buong katawan ko nang biglang magsalita si Clarence. Wala man lang pasabi o kaya sign man lang na magsasalita siya. Sa kabila ng pagkabigla, pinilit kong panatilihing normal ang sarili ko. Hindi ako nagpakita ng kahit anong reaksyon.

Tumikhim ako bago sumagot. "I've missed you too," kaswal kong sagot.

"How are you?" pagpapatuloy niya sa usapan, as if that exchange of 'I miss you' meant nothing.

"Ito, busy sa work. Ikaw?" sagot ko, umaaktong kami lang ulit 'to. As if we're getting to know each other again.

"Same," matipid niyang sabi saka mahinang tumawa, nararamdaman niya rin yata na medyo awkward. "So, do you have someone...you know, special?"

Oh, he's thinking about my relationship status.

"Wala akong boyfriend, if that's what you're asking. May naging boyfriend ako, last year lang, pero one month lang kami eh. Still healing. Hindi pa talaga kaya ulit. Nakonsensya lang ako," pagkikwento ko, forcing a light laugh. "Ikaw? Dating someone right now?" tanong ko, pareho kaming nakatingin pa rin sa kawalan.

"Ako?" Ilang sandali siyang natahimik. "Actually I've never dated anyone after us," nahihiya niyang sagot.

"Oh really?" Napaharap na ako sa kaniya. "Didn't expect that huh? Wala talaga?" namamangha kong sabi.

"Angeline," natatawa niyang tawag sa akin na para bang insulto ang sinabi ko.

Pakiramdam ko ay nawalang bigla ang bigat ng paligid sa naging palitan namin.

"Why?" natatawa ko ring saad. "Wala akong masamang ibig sabihin 'no? I mean, you have the looks, the body, you're not broke. Why would-"

"What we had was special, Angge," putol niya sa pagsasalita ko, bumalik ang pagseseryoso sa boses niya. "Pagod lang talaga ako no'n," dagdag niya pa.

Muli ko ring ibinalik sa kawalan ang tingin ko gaya ng ginawa niya.

"I understand. We were," sagot ko saka mapait na napangiti nang maalala ulit ang nangyari noon.

"But I'm well-rested now. Ikaw ba?" masigla ang boses niya.

"Yeah, I got some good rest too," nakangiti kong sagot.

We stayed quiet after that, an odd tension settling between us, like we were both afraid to break the spell. I felt my heart racing, almost painfully.

"Angge," pagbasag niya sa katahimikan saka ako hinarap.

"Hmm?" I responded without looking at him.

I mean, I wanted to look back, to ask him what he was thinking, pero natatakot ako. This whole night, he'd been watching me, as if he cared.

But was it real? Or was it just the wine, the nostalgia, making him be like that and it was something that would fade by morning?

Before he could respond, I tried to laugh it off. "You don't have to pretend, you know," I muttered, keeping my gaze on the stars.

"Pretend?" He sounded surprised.

I forced a smile. "Pretend that this... that any of this matters. We're just... old friends, right?"

Hindi siya sumagot, at dinurog lang ako ng katahimikan niyang iyon. Masyado ko lang yatang binigyan ng meaning lahat ng nangyari kanina?

Maybe the way he'd stayed close tonight, the way his hand had brushed mine, the way he'd looked at me with those soft eyes, maybe it was all in my head.

"You think this doesn't matter to me?"

I finally turned to him. "Hindi ko alam, Clarence. It's been so long, and you-"

Natigilan ako nang magsalita siya. "Tingin mo ba magi-stay ako rito kung wala lang sa 'kin lahat?"

Hindi na ako nakasagot pa. I just looked at him, my eyes searching answers to my unspoken questions.

Inabot niya ang kamay ko at hinawakan iyon. "Angge, it's always been you," he whispered, his thumb brushing gently over my knuckles.

My heart thudded as he leaned closer. "Can we... try again?"

Then there, my heart felt like it'll jump out anytime soon. Sobrang bilis ng kabog nito. Kasabay no'n ay naramdaman ko na rin ang pamamasa ng mga mata ko.

I can't find the right words to say. Ang alam ko lang, masaya ako sa mga sinabi niya. Napayuko nalang ako kasabay nang pagtulo ng mga luha ko.

If second chance was really meant to heal all the wounds from the first, then I'm willing to risk my heart again. Masyado ng madaming taon ang nasayang.

Tumayo si Clarence at umupo sa tabi ko, he then pulled me into an embrace.

"This time, Angge. I'll be stronger. I promise," sambit niya saka hinalikan ang noo ko.

I didn't answer. I just cried, my face in his chest, hindi ko alam ang sasabihin.

All I knew was, I was in his arms again, just like that night so long ago. But this time, it was different. We weren't the same people we were been back then.

We were older, a little more broken, but maybe that's what made this real.

In the beautiful night of Batangas, where our story first began, we found love in each other again. Not with the people we once were, but with the people we had become.

END