God, Guilt, and Guache: A painter's Pilgrame

„Are you there?

The next morning I woke up, in a very weird position, my head was buzzing and I felt like I had slept for 1000 years.

I slowly rose up and stretched myself, I looked around my room and tried to spot the clock that I remember having in my bedroom, I couldn't find it.

I stood up and wobbly walked around to see if I could spot it, I couldn't exactly... but that didn't really matter since I didn't need to work today anyway.

It was the 9th august ,Saturday, 11:23Am, to be completely exact..

I wobbly walked into my kitchen , aka also my living room, and grabbed a toast , threw it into the toaster and pushed down the button.

I let myself slide down on the wall and sat on my kitchen floor.

I placed my head in hands , and just thought about my actions..

Was this really how my life was gonna be?

Me just taking drugs? And practically destroying my body?

Yes

I just couldn't stop it

The way my pulse would go up when I took it

And the way my dopamine would rise

The way I'd feel more happier than I did before

It was just such a relief

Just the after.. was a pain in the ass

The only thing that dragged me out of my thoughts were the toast jumping out of the toaster.

I made myself a basic breakfast, a simple marmalade toast, a coffee, a cigarette and a apple.

I sat on my tiny balcony and just ate my breakfast on the floor, cause I didn't own any outdoor chairs.

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14:23Pm

I looked onto my phone and checked my missed calls, since I had a few

They were all from my mother and father

I could only imagine what they wanted from me

And I didn't like it.

One bit.

I sighed and just shakily pressed onto the contact to call them back

I held the phone shakily against my ear and waited for the "tuuutt"

I gulped

Why was I so afraid of calling back my parents?

Would they try to convince me again to become a priest?

Would they ask me how I am?

Would they ask if I got fired?

Would they ask if I had a girlfriend or a wife and kids?

My panicking thoughts were interrupted by a man suddenly speaking on the other side

"Hello! Is this you —-?"
The man asked on the other side.

I swallowed, I felt how my voice got stuck in my throat..

"Hello..? Are you there ——?"
The man asked.

I couldn't respond. I felt how my voice simply got stuck, I couldn't speak..

"—, are you there? You gotta talk to me!"
The man said, now in a slight annoyed tone yet concerned

"Y..... yes.." I stuttered out in a slightly low tone, which also cracked slightly

It was quiet for a moment

"Ah, good, I thought this was a pocket call.."
The man replied

"How are you, son?"

Son.. that word hit hard in me.

Sure.. I was his son.. but, it still hit hard to hear how he actually called me his son.

But before I could even think more

Were my thoughts interrupted again...

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(558 words)

(The conversation continues in the next part cause I'm too tired atm, I'll post it probably Friday/Saturday)