'til forever falls apart | gracie abrams

8 - i just go mess it up

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"Is that why you broke up?" Gracie asked, desperately trying to reel herself away from the precipice of tears for Amelie's sake, "Because you kissed me?"

"No, Madi," Amelie shook her head, holding onto Gracie's hand tighter, "I mean, not really."

Gracie looked down, drawing her hand away from the blonde girl. The guilt was eating her alive.

"I told him what happened and he forgave me. He said he knew it didn't mean anything and that I was drunk and wasn't thinking straight," Amelie explained, "I broke up with him."

Gracie only nodded slightly, not looking up. Even if she knew it wasn't her fault, she felt like she held some responsibility in what happened.

"Madigan," Amelie lifted Gracie's head with a gentle tilt of her chin, "I broke up with him. You don't have to feel bad."

"Why?" Gracie asked.

"Because he deserves better than me. Those things I said... and the details I left out," Amelie elaborated, "All of it's true. He deserves someone who doesn't have the baggage that I do. It had nothing to do with you."

"Right," Gracie moved her hand up to remove Amelie's from her face.

"What's wrong?" Amelie noticed the way Gracie retreated.

"Was he right?" Gracie looked at Amelie, then away again as if her blue eyes had burned a hole in her skull, "Did it mean nothing?"

Gracie could hear the sharp intake of Amelie's breath as the blonde girl ran a shaky hand through her hair, pulling at her annoyingly pristinely perfect ponytail.

"Never mind," Gracie swallowed, standing up to leave, "Sorry. Just- forget I asked."

"Madigan, wait-"

"I should really go," Gracie didn't hesitate this time, didn't let herself get caught up in the look on Amelie's face or the green hue of her eyes that reminded her of the forest and all the loveliest of things inside it or the silky blonde strands of her hair that look like they were expertly spun using pure gold.

It was raining now, the grounds of the school were wet and muddying her shoes. The pounding of raindrops on the metal roofs muffled her own quiet sobs and the sound of Amelie calling out after her. Gracie ran until she couldn't hear anything anymore, even if she felt like she could slip in the mud at any given moment.

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Gracie figured the best way to distract her mind from the thought of a certain blonde volleyball captain was to get ahead on her school work. She sat boredly at her desk, staring absentmindedly at a page of notes on US history as she wondered why the state of America didn't seem to be doing any better than it was a hundred years ago. She didn't get very much done at all before the itch for her guitar overtook, her mind wandering to distant realms far away from where she was.

She played and sang her feelings out and cursed herself for being stupid enough to believe that a drunken kiss could mean anywhere near as much to Amelie as it did to herself. Gracie wanted to kick something. She let the pain of the frets against her fingers serve as a reminder to be careful with her feelings as the pads of her fingertips callous from the instrument.

"Gracie," August's little voice from outside her bedroom door whined, "I'm bored. Mom and Dad went out to get groceries and Henry went to dinner with his girlfriend. Can we go to the beach?"