𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐭

forty five

Delphine

Lunch was always a strange game of endurance.

The cafeteria was bustling with people, each face either familiar or fading into the blur of everyday life.

I usually managed to avoid sitting with anyone outside my circle, keeping my lunch short and quiet. But ever since Eliza and Ethan became...whatever they were now, lunch was unavoidable.

They'd somehow roped Kaiden into their plans and now expected us to sit together like one big, happy group.

So here I was, trying to keep my expression as neutral as possible, eyes glued to my tray. I focused on poking the few pieces of salad I'd taken, trying to look busy and uninterested. Across from me, Eliza was chatting enthusiastically about something, her voice the usual backdrop to our time together.

I caught bits and pieces—something about an upcoming event—but honestly, most of it drifted over my head as I fought to keep my gaze steady and nowhere near Kaiden.

The urge to glance in his direction was almost unbearable.

He was sitting right there, far too close for comfort.

I could feel his presence as if it was a tangible thing pressing against my skin, a sort of invisible weight I couldn't shake. It was absurd.

A few days ago, he was just another face in the crowd, another player on the hockey team that occasionally passed through my line of sight. Now, every shift in his seat, every movement of his hands, felt like a magnet pulling at my attention.

"I swear, Delphine, you're barely here today." Eliza's voice broke through, and I looked up to see her smiling, her eyes narrowed with curiosity. "Are you even listening?"

I gave her a small nod, hoping it was enough to convince her. "Of course, just...a bit tired."

It was only half a lie. My exhaustion was real, but it had little to do with practice or studying and everything to do with the mental acrobatics I was performing just to keep my face neutral.

Kaiden's presence was making me hyper-aware of every breath, every shift of my posture. And when I finally dared a quick glance in his direction, I could feel him looking at me, too, his expression unreadable. I looked away just as quickly, heart pounding.

Ethan nudged Kaiden, oblivious to the silent war going on across the table. "So, you ready for the game this weekend?"

"Yeah, should be good," Kaiden replied, his voice casual, easygoing. "If we can get our defense together."

Eliza leaned in, always the enthusiastic supporter. "You guys will crush it, I'm sure of it. Right, Delphine?"

"Hmm?" I blinked, realizing everyone's eyes were suddenly on me. "Oh. Sure. Sounds...great."

A part of me wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole. Kaiden's slight smirk wasn't helping, and I could feel my face heating up under his gaze.

He must have noticed how hard I was working to avoid looking at him, the way I was keeping my tone as flat as possible.

His amusement was subtle, but there. It only made my resolve stronger—I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing how off-balance I felt.

"So, Delphine," Ethan said, seemingly oblivious to the tension simmering just beneath the surface, "you should come to the game. Show some support for Kaiden."

His words hung in the air, and I could feel Kaiden's gaze steady on me, waiting for my response. I forced a slight smile, trying to keep my voice even. "I'll...think about it."

"That's as good as a yes," Eliza chimed in, grinning. "It'll be fun!"

I managed a small nod, hoping that would be enough to satisfy her. The last thing I needed was another reason to be around Kaiden. As if sensing my discomfort, he leaned back, arms crossed, looking as relaxed as ever, which only served to irritate me more. How could he look so calm, so unaffected, while I was trying desperately to keep my emotions in check?

The conversation drifted back into more casual territory, with Ethan recounting some story about practice, and Eliza laughing at all the right moments. I kept my attention fixed on my plate, occasionally nodding along to seem involved. But my mind kept drifting back to the night of the party, to the way things had unraveled between Kaiden and me. The images came unbidden—the closeness, the warmth, the intensity of it all. I'd tried so hard to brush it off, to convince myself it was a one-time thing, but every glance, every shared space seemed to pull me back to that night.

"Hey," Kaiden's voice broke into my thoughts, low and calm, as he leaned a bit closer. "You okay over there?"

I glanced up, meeting his eyes for the briefest second before looking away. "I'm fine."

He studied me, his gaze lingering, as if he could see past the mask I was trying so hard to maintain.

There was something in his eyes, something that made me feel like he understood more than I wanted him to. But I didn't want him to understand. I didn't want him to see past the walls I'd built so carefully around myself.

"Just checking," he said, leaning back again, his tone light, but there was a hint of something else beneath it.

Amusement?

Concern?

I couldn't tell.

I focused on my food again, willing myself to stay calm. I couldn't afford to let him in, not in the slightest.

Kaiden had this annoying ability to disarm me, to make me feel things I didn't want to feel, and it was something I had no intention of letting him see.

Across the table, Ethan and Eliza were lost in their own world, sharing glances and inside jokes.

I envied them, their ease with each other, the way they didn't have to hide or pretend.

But I wasn't like them. I had too much at stake, too many pieces of myself that I'd worked too hard to protect.

After what felt like an eternity, lunch finally came to an end. Eliza and Ethan got up first, and I followed suit, grateful for the chance to escape. But as we started walking out of the cafeteria, I felt a hand on my arm, gentle but firm.

"Delphine," Kaiden's voice was quiet, just loud enough for me to hear. I turned to look at him, caught off guard by the serious expression on his face.

"Yeah?" I kept my tone as steady as I could, but I could feel my heart racing, that familiar tension settling over me again.

For a moment, he didn't say anything, just looked at me, as if he was trying to read something in my eyes. "If you ever need to talk...you know, about anything, I'm here."

His words took me by surprise, and I felt a surge of frustration mixed with something else—something that felt dangerously close to vulnerability. I didn't want his concern, his sympathy. I didn't need anyone, especially not him, prying into my life.

"I don't need anyone to talk to," I replied, keeping my voice cool, distant. "But thanks."

Kaiden nodded, his gaze unwavering, and for a moment, I thought he might say something more. But he just gave a small, almost knowing smile and let go of my arm, letting me slip away.

I turned and walked out of the cafeteria, heart pounding, my mind racing with questions I couldn't answer. Why did he care? Why was he even bothering to try and get past the barriers I'd put up?

But as much as I wanted to ignore it, to brush off his words as meaningless, I couldn't shake the feeling that he'd seen something in me that I'd tried so hard to hide. And for the first time in a long time, I didn't know how to feel about it.