Sins of the Faithful

3 || "Please forgive me, God"

[Lyle's POV]
As I walk away every step feels heavier than the the last. My mind races, replaying what he said with his inappropriate. How he managed to make me so confused.
I hurry through the empty halls just a few nuns or one, two other students walk past me. But I didn't care, I only want to get away.
Away from Ivan.
I need to be alone— to breathe, to think, to calm down and to forgot. I found myself slipping through the wooden door of the small chapel and sank into the nearest pew. I feel a weird almost painful feeling in my chest, guilt.

I squeeze my eyes shut and clap my hands together. I want to forget his words and especially the kiss. I'd been raised to know what is right and wrong. The stares full of disgust and disappointment of everyone that would find out about my sin, I could feel them.

"What's happening to me?" The voice was barely audible. The chapel was silent, no other sound than my own breathing. My heart feels tangled, why does he have so much influence over me?
I took a shuddering breath before I look up at the crucifix.
"God.. forgive me" the words almost choke out of my throat as the first tear run down my cheek and drop on the floor.
I move forward until the cold surface of the altar floor pressed into my knees. My head bowed and I press my fingers even more tightly together as if it would bring me closer to bringing pure again.
"Please god, help me" I whisper again while more tears fall down.
"Why did you let him do this to me...?"
Slowly I open my eyes and stare down at my hands. Does god forgive? It wasn't particular my fault but I also didn't pull away.

There was holy water of the side of the altar, a small font of it. I got up, feeling a sudden strong impulse to wash away the kiss. To scrub away the mark that even left on me. As I approached it I feel my knees and legs shaky. This all was so much I feel it physically.
I dipped my fingers into the water, feeling the nice coldness of it against my skin. Then I lift my fingers up to my forehead, drawing a cross there.
Even so it didn't feel enough.

As I placed my fingers to my lips to scrub away the dirty feeling, in effort to come away with a feeling of cleanliness. But it wasn't working.
For whatever reason, every thought seemed to flash me back to the moment we both stand in our room. His mocking voice in my ear and his stupid smirk, that sunk very deeply into my mind.

In the rush of frustration, I spoke up again. A little bit more urgency in my vice.
"God, please.. please, take this away from me. Whatever hold he has, whatever influence he has, take it all away. Let me live in peace.. I beg you.." I almost cried again but I sallow down the tears.
"I- I don't want this. I don't wanna be-..."
I stopped, chocking back the word 'weak'.
I lean forward, gripping into the edge of the altar until my knuckles turn white. Ivan words are stuck in my mind, replaying what he said.

I didn't knew how much time passt, too stuck in my thoughts. Only a crack of the door pulled me out of it. My head immediately snap back, what if it's Ivan?
But my wide eyes just meet a rather young nun.
"Hey, Lyle, I just wanted to check on you. After all it's your first day here and I thought it I should look if you already comfortable here." She said with such a soft voice. So different from Ivan.
I simply nod. It wasn't her or the schools fault Ivan was like that. Also if I say I didn't feel well she'll ask questions and then find out I kissed. Kissed a boy. And didn't pulled away.
"That's good" She answers to my nod.
"In 20 minutes is dinner, just that you know" she add before she left and slowly close the door.
I feel exhausted.

Heyyy! I know this chapter was again short (around 700 words). I thought about writing more but I don't think that would fit in this chapter. But that also means the chapter comes soon!! Also with Ivan's POV