I'm worthy enough!!! (#Wattys2015)

Ali

I hated going to the hospital next day and it was obviously because of him . What if he guessed I'm not happy ? What if he still feels the same? What if he's married ? But why should I bother ? I got married too. I have my own life, kids, husband, home ,..but why does it feel bad to think like that !!! Damn it! I hate him! Why is he back ! Why ??? Why are you doing this to me Allah !!! I couldn't stop my tears during my prayers and his thoughts coming back to me as well. I needed a friend. But he wasn't a friend ! Why did he ever propose me ! We could have been such great friends ! I needed him but how could I put by heart in front of him now ! Maybe its all because of him. I should have told him about my engagement before. Maybe then he wouldn't have got so attached. Maybe I should just apologize? Yes...apology !!! Maybe he'll be my friend again ? I just talked to myself and decided to go for a brave sorry session.

Next day sitting in the hospital I anxiously waited for my turn. Finally ...I was there, in the room where my heart just ran away leaping out of my throat just after entering the room and I thought maybe its true that an imaginary cat can get your tongue.

"Hi! " A smile as always .
"Hi" A nervous one from me,(shit)
"How is Zara babyyyyy ???" He started with the tickling tactic with her and when she was in a really friendly mood he went through the routine check up. ( Not to mention I was idiotically staring at him lost in the university days and how he had managed to keep himself handsome ,maybe even more. )
"How's Zara's mama? " a friendly question frightened me as if he already knew the answer.

"I..I....mmm I'm fine. Alhamdulillah. "
"So...when did you start stuttering? " Another bombardment.
" Noooo its not like thattt. Its just that I'm ...I'm I'm a bit tensed because of her (said in a rush. )"
Oh She'll be perfectly fine within two or three days inshaAllah. Anything else bothering ? "

Why the hell is he asking this ? What does he mean by something else ? What is going in his head ?

"Yes ? So when did you start stuttering and daydreaming as well ? "Another rapid fire!

I made an effort to smile and... just smiled. Of course I was speechless.
It wasn't my fault. I was still amazed by his sudden entry and stressed out for the past seven years. Moreover...we weren't friends anymore. Or maybe it was just me who thought like that.
When I kept on being adamant about my silence and being too reserve he also tried to respect it. Of course he had to.

The seventh and the final day came in years and I was relieved to see Zara absolutely healthy and knowing it was the last day to face him too.
But it didn't happen according to my plans. Just as I was about to leave his room he asked me something that brought ripples in my tear lake after years. It had been long since I had stopped crying in front of anyone.

"Bunny what's wrong yara (Buddy)? I know you're not fine. Having a problem isn't a problem. The problem is you're not sharing your problems anymore. I'm still your teddy . Please don't do this to yourself. "

I stopped for a moment at the door, my back towards him, ...and then left without saying a word.
I reached home with a heavy heart. I did it once more to him. I couldn't apologise and instead, I made him feel even worse maybe.
But how could I share my life with any man. Zafar would never like it. He never liked the idea of men and women being friends. It wasn't supposed to be like that in our society and religion too he'd say. It wasn't necessary if he was violating the most crucial rule of our religion ...being ...homosexual. He was the man. I was the weaker one. I was the one who could be made the complete picture of misery. Then how could I have the liberty of having a male friend and especially when that male had feelings for me sometime, or maybe even today. Maybe ?
Ali . Ali ? No more of Ali thinking now Hira. I hushed myself .

I'd like to dedicate this chapter to @aidahqirat since she's been the most dedicated follower and responsive to my story. Loved your feedback buddy !
Guys keep on reading and don't forget to comment!
With love ! xoxo