A Knight To Remember

Chapter 16

Chapter 16

I drifted in and out of the darkness.

I could feel hands on me and the sensation of being carried. 

I called for him, I remembered that.  I cried a lot when I realised he wasn’t there.  He would never be there.  No, never again.

The darkness was my refuge.  I drowned.  The misery flooded over me and I sank deep.  I wrapped myself in my torment and let it smoother me.  I hoped for death.  I longed for it.

But it didn’t come.  The pain ate at me and as my heart tore, it ripped apart and then it burst into flame and it burnt.  And still death didn’t come. 

Through all of this I lay covered in darkness.  Unable to move or react, I just soaked in the darkness and the pain.  I could feel things move around me.  I reluctantly swallowed when they spooned the cold gruel into my mouth.  I heard voices but not words and none were familiar. 

I waited.  Surely death would come soon.  Surely if I was patient and endured the pain for a little longer death would find me.

My dreams became nightmares.  His face would smile at me, his eyes would glow with their promises of love, he would touch me tenderly, kiss me softly then when I returned his love he began to fade.  As I watched he faded from my sight, his skin dissipated until my arms floundered in the air searching for him.  I woke always screaming for him, reaching for him and with my face wet with tears.  Every time I closed my eyes it came to me in some form or another. I could not escape this dream.  I could not escape this nightmare.  I could not escape my punishment.  I had betrayed him.

Sometimes I lay there with my eyes open and watched the shadows on the ceiling or floor.  I began to hear repeating voices.  The older woman and a man’s voice became regular, but there were others as well, including the one who called me blossom.  They spoke to me softly, gently and were kind to me.  But I did not respond to them. 

I waited for death.  It was slow in coming.

The voices around me became clearer.  I heard their words.  I didn’t want to listen but still they filtered into my hearing.

“She is hurting my son,” the woman said, I heard a murmured voice reply but then the woman scoffed, “Do not judge her, you have seen her scars, you do not know her pain...”

I closed my eyes and tried to listen to the birds outside instead.  I was beginning to think that death had deserted me too.  No one loved me not even God.  No one wanted me.  I had been abandon by all.  The crying started again. My arms wrapped around me as I tried to hold myself together but as always I failed miserably.

“Shh, you will be alright,” the womans voice tenderly reassured me as she swept the hair off my forehead.  “You are safe, your child is strong, you must believe in life again.  Reach in side yourself and find your love for your child.  Live for your child,” she whispered gently too me.

My child, our child, it lived?  It had not abandon me?  It wanted to stay with me?  It was strong, he was strong, my son. 

Something inside me awoke.  Warmth trickled into my soul.  Something had changed. 

I slept.  He was smiling at me he handed me a bundle of cloth, so warm, I looked from his face into the small face of the baby.  I marvelled.  I looked up to share my amazement but he was gone.  In my arms the baby moved, I looked back to the child unable to put it down, unable to throw myself at the place where Torc was once.  I cried but rocked the baby.  It needed me.