Diary Of This Autistic Transgirl

9th November 2024

I realise a lot of this has been negative - I seem to only open up about life in this way when things are dragging me down. However, yesterday, a ray of hope shone through the dark clouds of both current and incoming reality. A major personal milestone was reached.

In my post about the new president, I outlined that I was completing 'Day 49's look'. I realised that this might not mean anything to you as you read it. OK, so I decided to do something wild in the summer, during my major break from writing - which I took to manage my mental health and my self-image.

Boys and girls, I joined TikTok. I'm officially one of "those" transgender girls. What started with just videos of me posing in my cutest outfits has become somewhat of a challenge. I've been bullying myself to build the motivation. I've been making myself try harder and do more. I've been setting myself goals, and this is the largest one to date.

If you are familiar at all with my previous work, particularly 'Life Imitates Art', you may know that I'm a Pokémon nerd. I play the games, I collect the cards and I watch a lot of YouTube content about the little critters. I could probably name every Pokémon, most solely from memory. Whereas some people activate their special abilities - think 'Rain Man' - for grand purposes, my specialist interest appears to hone in on Pokémon and wrestling. It is the love of the former that sparked a challenge.

One new Pokémon every single day. Every day, I let a random generator choose which Pokémon off whom I'll be styling my makeup. On day 1, it was just a colour scheme. When I realised that, by day 2, I was designing elaborate wings beside my eyes, I knew this was going to unlock new levels of challenge.

However, Day 4 was the major test. A night out on the town in full Pokémakeup (as I've taken to calling it). Yet, whereas before I would have been mega nervous and my main concern would have been to fit in, I felt a certain semblance of pride in being noticeably unique. I loved the fact that I was part of no-one's crowd or team or gang. My colours on that night were bold blue and standout silver. I couldn't be missed, nor ignored. And before, when that would have caused me deep shame, outright embarrassment and heightened my need to hide, I just felt so free and alive and happy. I wasn't even dysphoric. Even when a woman invited me up to dance to ABBA, I felt secure in who I am.

If you are interested for any reason in seeing me, I'm @PrincessEils on TikTok. Pokémakeup is a daily series, and I'm determined to pushing the boundaries of what we can and can't wear as transwomen.

The reason I share all this information is not just for a cheap plug. Yesterday was Day 52 of the process, and I rolled 'Dolliv' on the generator. I drew green leaves hanging from a black eyeliner wing, which I referred to as a branch, and small light-green olives between the top and bottom leaves. My face was shiny with highlighter to that artificial extreme, and I even did my lips a glittery green to match it all. Co-ordination, darling! I paired the makeup with a green pinafore dress, wore my mid-height boots and my trusty green coat (which is at least 3 years old as of right now) and I honestly felt incredibly cute. I would imagine very few cis-women would be pleased to be wearing what I was, and yet, I found myself struggling to contain my joy.

I went to see Venom 3 last night with my fiancé and her family. Sidenote - save yourself the time. I could write a whole rant about that. But this, as most things are when I write them now, is about me.

I knew things were different when we made a pit-stop into McDonald's for some 'fuel for the road' (a Venom 3 reference, and likely the only one I'm making here or ever). It was a Saturday night and the "young team" were out in full force.

Sometimes, I wonder if I gave the other kids in '(M)Ollie' too little credit. I wonder if I've maybe tarred with the same brush. I wonder if I've written Molly's peers out to be too harshly against her desires. However, when you walk into a fast-food place and every eye turns to your olive look, it's easy to see why I wrote them to be that way. And this was only validated further when I was greeted twice by the question 'WTF is that?' while Rhi and I were leaving the healthy establishment.

Now, before, this would have ruined my night. Before, this would have really hurt me. And yet, on this occasion, I smiled. I laughed. I felt the pride swell within my heart. My existence is an issue to that reprobate. That only spurs me on further to make bigots feel uncomfortable.

And to be honest, that isn't the real milestone. I get verbal abuse on a daily basis, or near enough. It hits like empty air now. It was during the phenomenally-terrible movie that I noticed a real step of progress.

See, movies have always made me feel insecure about my own inadequacies as a woman. Like, those girls on the screen have always just made me long for my transition to accelerate. But, last night, no such pangs of dysphoria were felt. I saw many women in many dresses, particularly during a scene in Vegas, and my stomach didn't drop. My heart didn't sink. I didn't lose my smile. I felt whole, and happy, and like ... I felt who Eilidh really is.

I guess that's what this whole chapter is telling you. I feel like me now. I've got a nice online community, a few close new friends and, just as importantly, I've loaded up on self-esteem as if it's a Black Friday deal. I'm happy with who I am. Bigotry and insults and threats? That won't stop me. Nothing is going to.

I'm Eilidh. I'm 24 years old. I'm male-to-female transgender. I feel super pretty. I'm very happy. I have a fiancé who loves me, and who I love even more (don't tell her I said that!)

I'm super ambitious. I co-host a podcast, I tutor 5 days a week and I do daily TikTok videos. I stream games multiple times a week too. I know what my goals are.

And I'm not afraid to tell anyone anymore. I don't feel like my past is following me around like a ghost now. It feels like it is on my shoulder, validating me. 'Look how far you have come, Eilidh'. I say it to myself every day, and I smile.

So yes, it's easy to be all doom-and-gloom these days. It's only going to get tougher. But I felt pretty last night. And I'm feeling prettier and prettier, and cuter and cuter, more and more often. I feel no need to shy away from the world. Green lips, shiny face, short dress? Hell yeah. I'll rock it.