𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬. | conan gray

𝟐𝟖. | chaos

i should've gone home to el. that's what i know i should've done. but instead, i'm standing here in front of charlie's door, heart pounding so hard it feels like it might break right out of my chest.

i can't face el. not after what i did. not after... kissing conan. i feel sick.

before i know it, i'm knocking, and when charlie opens the door, i can barely hold it in.

"i kissed conan," i blurt out, stepping inside before he can even react.

charlie freezes, his face blank for a second like he can't quite process it. then his eyes widen in shock, but before he can say anything, a sharp voice cuts through the air from behind him.

"what?"

i turn, my heart sinking, and that's when i see them. hailey and nate are both here, sitting on the couch, their eyes wide with surprise—and then narrowing as realization sinks in.

"what the fuck? are you serious?" hailey stands up, her voice practically vibrating with anger. i feel my stomach drop. if hailey knows... she's el's best friend. if i don't tell el soon, hailey will.

"i didn't... i didn't mean for it to happen," i stammer, my voice barely a whisper. "i don't even know why i—"

"no, cut the shit, amy," hailey interrupts, stepping closer, her voice hard and edged. "el already thinks she's losing you, but sure—why not kiss conan? that'll help, right?"

the words hit me like a punch, each one digging deeper than the last. hearing it from hailey, and knowing it's the truth... i can't even bring myself to look up. my mouth opens to respond, but no words come out. i feel frozen, stuck in the mess i created.

"oh, i get it," hailey says, her voice laced with accusation. "you probably think conan's something special just because he's famous, huh?"

a flicker of confusion crosses my face. "what?"

"yeah, that's it, right?" she presses, her tone sharp and cutting. "you think he's better than el just because he's some popstar. that's why you chose him over her."

her words hit like a slap, but beneath the guilt, there's a surge of anger. "that's not true," i say, my voice low but shaking. "don't talk about him like that. you don't even know him."

but she's relentless, stepping closer, her eyes narrowing. "but i know what i'm seeing, amy. just because he can put on a good show, that makes him worth ruining your relationship over?"

"it's not about that!" i snap, the words spilling out before i can stop them. "it's not about him being famous, or whatever you think this is. you don't know him like i do, and you're acting like it's just some... some shallow thing, but it's not."

charlie steps forward, raising his hands a little, trying to de-escalate. "okay, let's all just take a second here," he says, looking over at hailey with a calming gesture. "amy knows she messed up. she doesn't need this right now."

hailey turns on him, her face hardening. "oh, so you're just going to defend her? i bet you knew something was going on between her and conan."

charlie's jaw tightens. "what's that supposed to mean?"

"it means if you knew this was happening, you could've at least told el," hailey snaps, her tone biting. "instead, you just... let it happen."

charlie's eyes narrow, his voice sharpening in response. "you think i'm just going to tattle on amy? if el was in amy's shoes, you'd probably keep quiet too."

"that's not the same," she snaps back. "el wouldn't just... do something like this."

"so now you're assuming you know everything about amy and conan?" charlie's voice rises, frustration flashing in his eyes. "it's not as simple as that."

"it's exactly that simple," hailey shoots back, her voice dripping with contempt. "amy knew what she was doing, and it's disgusting that you're defending her."

my breath catches as i watch the two of them go back and forth, the argument growing louder. nate, who has been watching all of this with worry in his eyes, finally speaks up. "hey, guys, fighting isn't going to solve anything. let's just... calm down, yeah?"

but his words barely break through the tension hanging heavy in the air. the room feels like it's caving in, every harsh word bouncing off the walls and digging into me. i came here because i couldn't face el yet, because i didn't know what else to do, but now i've dragged everyone into this mess. i'm watching my friends fight because of me, because of what i did.

i can't breathe. the guilt is suffocating. it's closing in, pushing me down, and my vision starts to blur. i want to disappear, to just leave and deal with everything myself, but i can't. i can't even move. i'm drowning in it.

and then, i snap.

"stop!" my voice cracks, louder than i mean it to be. silence falls over the room. they're all staring at me now.

i swallow, my voice shaking as i try to steady myself. "i know i have to tell el. i... i will, okay? i just... i need a second to get myself together."

hailey stares at me for a moment, her face softening just a little, but she still looks hurt. "well, i hope you realize that she deserves the truth."

"i know," i whisper, my throat tight. "believe me, i know."

charlie puts a hand on my back, a small gesture, but enough to remind me that i'm not entirely alone, even in this.

but the weight of what i've done remains, heavier than ever. i glance around at my friends—at hailey's hurt expression, nate's quiet concern, and charlie's loyalty despite it all—and the shame nearly overwhelms me again.

"i'll tell her," i say softly, more to myself than to them. "i'll tell her everything."