//CW: Blood, Anxiety, Depression//
There is nothing I can hold hard enough without ripping it
without breaking it
without feeling the hot and sticky substance warm my hands again.
There is nowhere I can go quiet enough to scream
to cry
to let it all out before I shrivel up inside
without getting stares.
There's nothing I can do to get rid of the feelings.
The feeling of hollowness in my chest,
a beat with no heart,
a person with no soul.
The constant feeling in my throat,
a sob leashed,
a scream caged.
The throb in my mind,
unworthiness echoing,
silence and screams.
There's no place on this planet I can find where I can just let it all out,
so I cage it up inside.
I cage it like a songbird I'm ashamed of.
I cage it like a rabid old dog.
I cage it with masks and smiles and words.
I cage it in my hollowed out heart.
But I know a cage will not hold,
and the beast inside will come out screaming
crying
roaring to be heard.
But I don't want you to hear it.
I want you to think I'm fine.
"Don't worry about me" I'll say
while fighting back that which longs to be uncaged.
"I'll deal" I smile,
ignoring the thrashing creature inside.
There is no place I can go,
and I fear no person who can be told.
So I say I'll be fine
but know that steel bars won't last forever.
