All a Person Can Feel

Broken Mask

I ran as fast as could to my room, quickly slamming the door. The feeling in my chest rising, quickly. I was I afraid I wouldn't be able to stop it this time. They had been getting worse, but so far no one had figured out my problem.

'Stop fighting it! No one notices enough about you, because no one cares about you. Just accept what you know is true!' whispered the dark voice in my head.

"No, It's ok. It's ok. I'm ok." I whispered to myself, taking a few deep breaths that were ragged."I'm-"

"Lexa?"

I froze.

Oh no. Nonononononono.

Matt.

I quickly pushed down the tears that threatened to fall and composed myself, wiping my face and forcing a small smile I hoped looked genuine and looked up.

He was sitting on my bed, holding one of my comic books in one hand, and the other my Chinese fan. He even had one of my newest handmade floral wreaths placed delicately on top of his blonde hair. The usual snoop, but he wasn't looking at my stuff with his playful curious glint in his emerald green eyes this time. They were filled with concern. Staring straight at me.

"Uh, hey Matt! What are you doing?" I asked nervously

"Tomorrow is our math test, your Mom let me in before you came home." He responded, but tilted his head to the side with his eyebrows furrowed. "Lex, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing. C-could you answer my question please?" I responded with an anxious smile, twirling the small silver rings on my fingers.

"Only if you answer mine honestly."

I closed my eyes, letting out a small breath, calming myself just enough to speak evenly and quietly.

"Look, Matt, you wouldn't understand, so it's better I just don't tell you and-" I began, but was cut off when I felt a hand on my shoulder. 

I opened my eyes as Matt lifted my chin with his thumb and leaned down a bit due to his height. He was the only person I was ok with touching me, and never flinched when he did.

"Alexa." He looked into my eyes. I didn't dare look at him back, instead fixing my gaze beside his head. He knew me the best out of all the people that I knew. 

I feared he would find out before I wanted him to know.

"It's ok love. You know you can trust me."

The pet name and the sincerity in his eyes threatened to release all that I felt and just tell him.

'Lies.' My inner voice in my head hissed. The feeling like a knife piercing and twisting in my gut. 'You can't trust anyone. You never have, and never will. Why would it even do to tell him? He'll just pity you, like the disgusting thing you are.'

'Shut up!' I snapped back. 'That isn't true!'

But we both knew, deep down, I was terrified at the thought it was right.

So I did what I do best. 

I put my mask back on.

It was a wide smile with a hint of laughter in my eyes, loosening the taunt muscles from before. I shrugged him off me, lowering his wrist lightly. I had practiced these masks enough that the joy was real. At least, it was for everyone else.

"Don't worry about it Matty. Just a little nothing." I gave a vague wave of my hand to emphasize it. How bout we go out for some ice cream? I'll pay. you know how I love my double vanilla in a cone." I added.

He gave me a strange look, but answered me with a "Sure, Lexa. I'll drive us." And ruffled my brown hair.

I quietly sighed in relief, when Matt turned around to grab his keys from my nightstand, believing that he wouldn't pressed any further.

I turned around went to grab the door handle.

"But this conversation isn't over, Alexa."

(Little suspense in the end no? My favorite ending as a writer, but least fav as a reader)