A Slow Burning Torch: Alessia Russo

Christmas Diary Entry

Dear Diary,

I know I have not been great at updating you with everything, but here's my year. I graduated Dartmouth in May. I briefly talked to that girl called Mandy, but nothing happened and I honestly don't really want it to.

My YouTube channel has 391k subscribers. I mostly film vlogs still, but I want to start traveling and doing more to help people. I had a lot of fun helping build shelters for the less fortunate in New Orleans this summer. I want to do that all over the world, but I still have such a hard time being away from home. 

I still have all the same friends. I made a bunch of new friends at Dartmouth, but I still have the same 4 friends from high school. They joke that although they've changed since middle school, I've stayed entirely the same. I love them 90% of the time, but sometimes they're just too different from me. I think when I came out, they expected me to cut my hair or completely change, but I've never changed a bit. I would never think they're homophobic, but sometimes they just don't get it. They especially don't get why I don't leave Boston.

If you ask me what I think the greatest city in the world is, I would say Boston. If you ask me my least favorite place in the world, Boston would be my answer. I love Boston so much that it hurts, but there is also so much hurt that comes from there.

I used to make a lot of Christmas vlogs, like how I would have Christmas parties with my friends and how I would spend hours decorating my house, just for no one to notice or care. But now Christmas just makes me too sad, it reminds me of all the times I spent with my mom before I found out how terrible of a person she is. I'm also sick of throwing so many parties and always having my friends over, only for them to not appreciate what I did. I know in a billion years they would never have our friends over for a catered holiday party, with the house decorated, with hundreds of dollars in food. And I had to do it all on my own too, with no mom there to help me.

Obviously my mom raised me there until my dad got her out of my life because of her emotional treatment, and after that I just couldn't leave my dad's side for years. Once I went to college and I had to leave him, I never branched out from my friends. Sarah went to college with me too and we've been to 22 countries together, so I haven't really been away from her in years.

Sarah doesn't really understand my way of loving. She is always after the chase and the single night thrills, while I want something that lasts. She doesn't really understand true love, but I will forever be a hopeless romantic. 90% of the time I really do love her, but sometimes I just think she lacks emotional intelligence and she doesn't get me. She doesn't get my relationship with my mom or that watching soccer and having this Woso community gives me an escape. I am the only gay person in any of my friend groups, and I tell people I don't mind, but it does bother me. Seeing so many lesbian and bisexual and queer athletes in relationships gives me hope that I may one day have that. That's what I hope for the next few years.

Love, Vivi