If I could go back in time- would you still want to meet me

If you could go back in time-would you still want to meet me (one shot)

If you could go back to the moment we met, would you still talk to me?

"Can't you just be friends with someone without having a crush on them?"

That's what she said to me, not wrong but impossible to achieve.

Especially when you're so close to someone, someone that actually cares about you and talks to you. Like time goes very fast. It's only been 63 days and I love you as hell. I can't control my feelings for you. I tried but I couldn't.

I still remember the first day I met you. You called my nickname in the crowded corridor. "Who is this girl?" That was my first thought when I saw her. As someone who hasn't made friends in ages, my first reaction was "why is she so annoying, who is this girl? Is she another bully and annoying white girl who's going to tease me." But she's different, I can see her everywhere I went, she seems like she knows me very well, she knows I like kpop although we've never spoken. The only thing I did was to give her a weird look and side eye. I thought white kids are all the same. Now when I think back I was wrong, if i had a choice to go back in time, I would not tell her to go away. But it really surprised me, why would a random girl start to talk to me when I don't know them. She's everything related to a perfect, rich, pretty and smart white girl who can play different sports.

It's not until the 12th of September when I first spoke to you. You were with one of my ex friends and I got your number. You're a really funny person (not in a bad way) who got my attention. Tbh I don't crush on girls very easily but you really got my attention. You are very open to me so I trusted you so much, I told all of my secrets and dark sides to you, because I trusted you. Knowing you also have depression made me trust you more, like I've never trusted anyone that much in my whole life. We called at 1 am at night and I asked if we could still call the next day and you said yes. You said I can say anything to you and I did, i shared every detail of my life, what I ate for breakfast, what I'm doing currently and how my parents are getting mad at me every second. I remember every single detail of our facetime, to be honest, i don't facetime people often, don't have many friends and just not bothered to. You really made my life happier by so much, you encouraged me so much, you told me I am pretty and smart when everyone around me is making fun of me. That's probably why I'm crushing on you. I love your personality, I feel like I would always live in darkness if it wasn't your words. You really motivated me, even when I was about to give up on myself.

I love listening to stuff you say and texts you send. I love it so much and I hope that you can be on your phone all the time and reply to my texts all the time immediately. But obviously I am wrong, we are two different types of people. You are popular, friends are always around you, you never care about your school reports. Sometimes I am very jealous of your life. What would I do if i was that popular and can do whatever in my spare time, not going tutoring and facetiming my friends.

After a fight in the holidays, our chat slowly turned dry. You closed your receipts so I couldn't see if you're ignoring my messages or you are just not online. I know I am always very annoying. I can't help it. I really want everything to go back to before the holiday, when we haven't fought yet, although I know it's not possible. I still didn't really understand why we fought. I really don't understand. I treat it all as a joke maybe because I like you and I find it really cute to call you that. I told you in the first place because I know a bisexual girl who craves love and sensitivity. It's easy for me to crush on people that I might crush on you. Serious depression, PTSD, anxiety and some sort of eating disorder from the past made me sensitive and scared to meet new people. That's why people don't get close to me, and you won't judge.

You really know me well, even if we haven't been texting at all, you can still tell my mood, if I'm sad or not. I don't know how but you just do. When I like someone so hard, I do stalk them and I admit that. I always thought everyone is the same and I realised no one is the same as me. I did promise I will never crush on you, but I broke it. I really thought I shouldn't, what if you ended up being the same as the other girl I liked for 943 days. And yeah you guys did end the same. I know I shouldn't be liking you like I know it. I know this would happen and I am still doing this to make me very happy for a short amount of time rather than happy but not that happy for a long amount of time. Now you completely unfriended me and I get why you did that. Maybe I am actually weird and creepy and someone who doesn't deserve love. Or maybe I am just pretending to get others to feel bad for me. I can't even tell now. I tried to suicide and self harm in the days you ghosted me, but I remember you said you don't like annoying people so I didn't text you that much anymore. I tried to change my pain from mental to physical to make it feel better but it's obviously not helping. I even found a girl to fake date and tried to make her make me happier but nothing is like you.  No one cared as much as you cared about me.You cared about me even more than my mum did. This is probably the reason why I liked you so much, you cared about me so much. I thought back and thought about it again. What if you said all that because you pity me. You think my life is shit enough and it is and couldn't be worse. I know I always overthink but what if I am not and these are all true.

Just one more chance please, that's what I've been thinking these days. Just one more chance I promise I wouldn't do it anymore. It's already too late though. My eating disorders are back with my anxiety, depression and PTSD showing back up. I wanted to end my life so much. People are telling me that she's not worth it, you will meet better people in your life but will I really? Do they really know how much she encouraged me and made my life so much happier and better? Maybe they don't, all their comfort words feel like lies to me. Unlike the things you say, I feel like My head never hurt that much before I couldn't sleep at night and everything is turning worse. Just like before meeting you. Maybe if I kept this in my head as a secret, you wouldn't hate me that much right? We would still be good friends and all of these wouldn't happen. It's all my fault.

Thanks for making me happy for 63 days. I really enjoyed being friends with you. I would never in my life regret being friends with you and I never regretted. You probably did but I will never. You might not think you are that wonderful, but you are.

If I could go back in time, I would've kept it all to myself.

15/11/24 by an anonymous simp