Time Can't Tell

Old Friends

I didn't tell them that I had his phone number. I didn't tell them that I had his room number. I didn't tell them that I knew his name. I didn't tell him that he wasn't an anonymous hookup when I got desperate. I didn't tell him that he was a constant in my life until my life had almost ended.

I sat on my couch and stared at the worn rug under my coffee table with my arms crossed over my chest. My parents were speaking to James in the kitchen while Jake paced in front of the television. Eli sat on the couch beside me. If I hadn't been trying to keep my lies straight, it almost would have felt like we were kids again sitting outside of the principal's office after we had skipped school. I'd skipped school. Eli had come to get me because I was too fucked up to drive.

They were discussing what the next step should be like I wasn't sitting there and capable of making my own decisions. Like they hadn't been absent from my life for six years.

I didn't know why I kept the business card. Maybe because being around my family was churning up some old urges. Bad urges. I should have burnt it. But the numbers were already ingrained in my mind. Now I had to figure out how to avoid him.

Jake stopped pacing and stood in front of me. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine," I said with a sigh, looking up at him.

That was what I kept insisting to everyone because it was the truth. The initial shock had worn off. Whatever was going to happen for me was going to happen. I was fairly positive I wasn't going to relapse. I was even more certain that I was not going to turn Julian into security or call the cops. The proof we had was three years old, and I didn't have anything concrete anyways.

"Seriously, you guys don't need to worry," I told my parents and James, shifting so I could see them past Jake. "I have coping strategies for this." It wasn't the first time I had been faced with my past.

"With everything going on in your life right now," James said, holding up a hand, "I don't feel comfortable not having some sort of plan. He's too close. Plus, I know you're fucking lying to me about him just being someone you would score from every once in a while."

I rolled my eyes. "You don't know shit," I muttered.

"What did I just say?" James asked as he threw his hands up. "I just said that I know you're fucking lying, meaning that I don't know shit about how this man is really connected to you." He shook his head. "You turn into a real asshole when the prospect of a high is close."

I sighed and sat back in the couch cushions. There was no way I was going to win the argument. Whatever they came up with was what I would agree to for the sake of fighting them. In the end, it didn't matter what kind of plan they had laid out. Whatever was going to happen was going to happen.

"I think you should stay with Jake," James said after a moment. "It would keep any temptations at bay."

I could feel my blood boiling. I had thought I didn't want to fight, but they were going to strip my independence if I didn't. There was temptation everywhere I went. Being in the city would put me in a position to score easier than staying near Julian.

"No," I ground out. "I have worked too damn hard to be coddled."

"You were around him for less than two minutes and it sent you running to the bathroom to puke. I think this is an exception," James retorted.

"He can stay at the house with us if that's better," Dad said as he put his arm around Mom. "There's plenty of space."

"I'm not going anywhere," I told them as I stood. "I'm twenty-four. Not some fucking kid."

"Then Jake or I will stay here," James replied. "And I don't think you should be working by yourself for awhile. I can help out when Jake can't."

"Does Jake get a say in any of this? We're not fucking married or some shit," I spat out.