8-1-0-9

Chpt. 12

"So, James," Doctor Raynor stepped in. "It's clear that she does understand what you've been through."

"You don't get it," he sighed, rubbing his face with a hand. "We lived two different experiences. Two different lives. I was experimented on in forty-three, and she was-" He threw an arm at me, slouching back in his chair. "I don't even know when she was born. She looked ten when I first saw her. Ten, Doc. They used and manipulated a kid from the very start of life. Now look at her."

"Now look at you," I grumbled, crossing my arms. "What, are you considered a cyborg yet? Don't think so. Not like your brain is half machine. Though, maybe it is. I mean, manipulated by Hydra? Definitely somewhat machine. I know I was. ...Am."

Bucky gave me a weird look, like I was talking nonsense. I kind of was, only because I was feeling a bit pissed. "What are you on about?" He huffed. "That's-..." He just sighed and shook his head.

"Yeah, well. A little 'talking' and preppy reparations from the government doesn't make you any less of a killer than I am," I spat back. "We both know that's what we were made to be. You're just lucky that's not what you used to be. Who you were. You have that... freedom, of having a past life where you did good. Where you were probably a nice guy." He scoffed at that, hanging his head as he looked off to the side. "You're lucky, that the American government was able to forgive you because you fought for them before Hydra took you. Before they turned you into... this," I muttered as I gestured to him, my gaze lingering on his left arm for a bit before I shook my head. My mouth opened again, to explain how I didn't have much of a chance to do any good, but my brain caught up and I shut down.

There's a reason why I keep it all inside. Because what wanted to spill in accusation made me backtrack. I knew none of this was his fault, nor mine, but I knew we both felt like it was. We didn't have anyone more to blame other that Hydra. We're both mad at the world, even. Well, not him anymore by the looks of things. However, I didn't want to talk. Especially to some shrink who probably thinks she can fix broken people just by listening and faking her understanding of our problems. She wouldn't be able to comprehend the horrors the Soldier and I had to face. Had to live. I slowly ran a hand through my hair, the strands still damp and the coconut smell wafted strongly around me.

Bucky took in a short breath, pausing with another sigh. "Gale..." He began, staring down at his gloved hands. "I told you this, but you really need to understand. Ever since the fall of Shield, I didn't know if you were alive. I didn't know if you got caught up in the mess somewhere or-..." He paused to purse his lips, swallowing hard and clenching his jaw. I didn't outwardly mention the fact that his voice broke. "I didn't know whether to go looking for you or not, but by then I had already left the country and was on a flight to Romania." I fought back the urge to say 'I know', seeing as I had managed to find his location but didn't actively go after him that year. But even then, he wouldn't have been able to locate me while I was on the Raft.

Why did you keep me out of your history when my own story was intertwined with yours? My mind whispered, and I slunk back further into my seat.

"I couldn't find any word of you," James continued. "Not in any museum - hoping I'd find something that resembled you - not in any news other that your subject number."

Had I not made myself a name?

"Hydra kept you a secret, as best as they could. The only thing that leaked was your title, how the public viewed you, and the recent encounters between us and Shield."

'Eight-one-'o'-nine, the ruthless machine. Hydra's dirty little secret, their loyal pet.'