Hopeless Shadow

Chapter 6 - Who am I?

Choi Soobin.

That's the only thing he can remember about himself. As for other details like where he's from, whether he has family, or when and how exactly he died, Soobin doesn't remember any of it.

The school is empty now. The sky has turned black. Soobin sits alone in his seat, lost in thought in the dark. He's been reflecting like this ever since class ended and everyone left. Wondering about his own existence.

Soobin just realized that he's been wandering around the school, not noticing that he's never gone home. Speaking of home, where did he live when he was alive?

If he thinks back, Soobin has always been alone. At first, he thought it was because he preferred it that way—not wanting to be bothered by others, so his friends just left him alone. But it turns out, that wasn't the case. They left him because they couldn't see him. That's why no one ever talked to him. Yes, now everything makes sense.

But wait. There's one person who can talk to him. One person who, without realizing, he always meets whenever he wants to unload his thoughts. The old gardener. The gardener can see him and even talk to him. If he's really dead, then why can the gardener do that? Is he someone who can see spirits?

Soobin keeps thinking about it until, suddenly, the sunlight shines on him. A student has come into the classroom, sitting at his desk and starting to fill out exercises in a notebook. Soobin walks over to the student, tries to touch him, but as expected, he can't.

He quickly walks away, determined to find the one person he's been thinking about all night to confirm something. He searches for the gardener in the garden, but the man doesn't show up. Soobin ends up walking aimlessly, not knowing where to go. This is exactly what he's been doing all this time—wandering, waiting for Yerin to come to school so he could follow her. But today, it's not her he's waiting for.

Soobin made sure Yerin entered the classroom safely when he saw her at the school gate earlier, then went back to wandering, not bothering to follow the classes like he did before since the teachers can't see him anyway.

It's then that he hears someone call out, "You're not going to class. What happened?"

Soobin startled, snapping out of his thoughts at the sound of the voice. "Ahjussi? You can see me?" He immediately approaches the person he's been waiting for.

"Of course, I can see you. What's up? It's not like you to be out during class hours?" The gardener looks confused. Especially when Soobin suddenly grabs both of his hands.

"I can touch you!" He shouts excitedly, causing the gardener to step back a little.

"Of course," the gardener responds, somewhat flustered.

"I don't know what happened to me, I can't touch anyone else. I've tried talking to people, but no one hears me," Soobin explains, looking flustered himself. "How can you do it?" He still holds onto the gardener's hands, eyes full of hope as he asks for an explanation.

"Ah, so you've realized it now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Now you realize you're a spirit."

***

Kang Ahjussi has been working as a gardener at the school since his eldest son was ten years old. It's a job that not many people want because it requires working in the open, exposed to the scorching sun in summer, and enduring the cold in winter.

For the sake of a piece of paper called money, of course, a father is willing to sacrifice himself, enduring the heat, braving the cold air, just to support his family.

This is the sixth year Ahjussi has been working as a gardener. His youngest son is now in high school. The kind school owner happily offered to let his son study there. Kang Ahjussi was overjoyed to accept the offer, not wanting to miss the opportunity to send his son to the best school.

That day, on the first day of school, the air was cold. Ahjussi was riding his motorcycle with his beloved son, who looked very handsome in his winter uniform. He had told his son to take the bus today, but the sixteen-year-old boy insisted he wanted to be accompanied by his father on his first day. Unable to refuse, they left together on Ahjussi's old motorcycle.

Everything went smoothly. His son was officially enrolled as a student at the school where Ahjussi worked. By the afternoon, all the students had started leaving. But his son refused to leave and came over, intending to wait for his father to finish his work. Snow had been falling since the morning, covering the ground with tiny cold particles. That day, Ahjussi's task was to shovel the snow off the roads.

Ahjussi told his son not to come, worried he would catch a cold, and urged him to go home. At first, the boy refused, but feeling guilty about leaving his father alone in such cold weather, he eventually went home.

Ahjussi felt relieved once he saw his son had truly gone home, and he continued his work, unaware that this would be his last meeting with his son.

That day, Ahjussi met his death. He was found lifeless on the school grounds. The cause of death was believed to be a fall due to slipping on the icy ground. The news devastated his family. His eldest son felt deeply guilty for leaving his father alone that day—blaming himself over and over again. If only he hadn't gone home first. If only he could have saved his beloved father.

The guilt and sorrow prevented Ahjussi from passing on peacefully. His son still hadn't let go of his father's death. That's why Ahjussi is always here, watching over his family from a distance, hoping they would let him go.

"So you're dead?" Soobin asks to confirm.

"Yes," Ahjussi answers simply.

"That's why you can see and talk to me?"

"Yes. That's how it is."

Soobin reflects again. So that's why he can talk to Ahjussi? Because they're both dead. But something is still bothering him. He asks the man in front of him, "If that's the case, did you know from the beginning that I was also a spirit? Then why didn't you tell me?"

That question seems a bit difficult to answer directly, as Ahjussi looks down and sighs. "I just couldn't bring myself to shatter your hopes. You're still too young," he says. "So I let you find out for yourself."

Ah, I see. Soobin understands the reason. "But Ahjussi, you can remember all your memories from when you were alive. I don't remember anything." He wonders about this new world.

"Some spirits lose their memories for various reasons. Some remember and can go to the afterlife, while others remember but just wander in an empty world. If you want your memories back, you have to search for them. That's the only way."

But how can he search for them? He has no clues except for the name he carries and the fact that there's someone who hasn't accepted his death—keeping him stuck in this world instead of passing on.

Who is that person?[]