Hopeless Shadow

Chapter 1 - Her Shadow

Summer, 2017

How does it feel to secretly like someone?

Choi Soobin quickly turned to the left, gazing at the back of the girl bathed in sunlight, and smiled. It had been two months since Soobin started this routine: quietly observing the girl sitting at the window seat, secretly watching her.

While the girl's head dropped several times due to drowsiness, Soobin himself should have felt the same, given the boring hour-long language lesson. However, the presence of that girl made his sleepiness vanish into thin air.

His lips curved into a sweet smile. How could the girl look so beautiful from behind? What would it be like if Soobin could see her face, if they could face each other? He might go crazy.

He didn't really know what it felt like to secretly like someone like this. It was nice to like her without the fear of making her uncomfortable. But it was also painful, knowing that all he could do was watch her from behind and couldn't be the one to make her happy.

Park Yerin, that was her name.

It had been two months since she first came to this school. Yet, Park Yerin had never spoken to Soobin, not even once, despite being in the same class. It wasn't entirely Soobin's fault for always staying silent and being too afraid to start a friendship; it was also because of the girl.

Yerin always kept her distance from others. She preferred to be alone rather than mingle with her classmates. Soobin never knew why; the girl often seemed melancholic, but she never once tried to make friends. Even when someone approached her to be friends, she would always avoid them. The kids in class automatically ignored her, thinking she was too proud and didn't want to be friends with anyone.

At first, Soobin didn't care much about the girl. Although sometimes, he was curious why Yerin never mingled with the others. He would often stare at her when the bell rang for break, hoping to see her go outside with the other girls, but it never happened.

Yerin would always lower her head, hiding her face on the folded arms on the desk. Sleeping? Soobin thought she might be asleep, leaving him alone in the classroom. He tried to ignore her, just like the others did.

But that day, he witnessed everything.

His body was drenched in sweat as he decided to return to class after physical education. Running under the hot sun during summer was exhausting. Soobin wasn't interested in joining his friends in the cafeteria. With the scorching weather, going to a crowded cafeteria didn't seem like a good idea. Soobin thought the classroom would be more comfortable, especially for sleeping. What was even better was that no one would disturb him, as the class was always empty after PE lessons.

Soobin thought that would be the case, everyone had gone to the cafeteria at that time. But when he opened the classroom door, exhausted from running, Soobin was surprised to see Yerin there. The new student was already asleep on her desk, and Soobin didn't know when she had arrived.

As usual, he tried to ignore the girl and staggered to his seat. He still felt hot, even though the air conditioning was on. Dissatisfied with the cool air, Soobin took a step and sat at Huening Kai's desk—an international student in their class, which just happened to be right below the air conditioning unit.

He exhaled softly, and in front of him, Yerin was peacefully sleeping. Her shoulders rising and falling rhythmically. Well, no problem. Yerin wasn't even disturbed by Soobin's footsteps or the sound of the chair he dragged carelessly. Why would he worry that she would wake up? Yerin wouldn't wake up or move even if the whole class fell apart. She would just stay like that, indifferent.

Alright, Soobin would act the same.

He rested his face on the desk and began to close his eyes, but then a sound interrupted him. The voice came from the girl in front of him. Soobin quickly lifted his head to confirm the sound really came from Yerin, and his guess was correct.

Beneath the head that hung low, he could hear a small, suppressed sob. Yerin was crying without anyone knowing. It was so painful to see her small shoulders shaking.

The drowsiness and tiredness Soobin had been feeling disappeared instantly. A different feeling took over him. Guilt. He hadn't realized that there was a girl who felt so lonely and was being ignored by others. He sat silently, watching the tears fall, causing a pain inside him for no reason. Since that day, Soobin decided he wouldn't leave his seat. He chose to stop being indifferent and to keep the lonely girl company.

Soobin knew he wasn't doing it the right way. He should have approached her directly and tried to start a friendship. Maybe he was afraid of being rejected again, because once before, Soobin had tried to talk to her when all of their classmates had already run out of the classroom. He even prepared the best smile he could muster when standing in front of Yerin.

"Hi. Maybe you already know me, my name is Choi Soobin. If you don't mind, let's have lunch together."

But unfortunately, the words he had tried to gather just minutes before vanished into thin air. Yerin stood up and walked away, not caring about Soobin at all. Ignoring him. Soobin stood still, watching her weary figure disappear around the corner of the classroom.

He chuckled a little bitterly as he remembered everything. But that didn't make him give up and leave Yerin behind. Soobin knew, Yerin wasn't like that. In his eyes, Yerin was a shy girl who always felt awkward around others, a girl who didn't even know how to make friends. A girl who was silently asking Soobin to protect her.

No matter what others said about Yerin, he never agreed. If they said the girl was too proud to be alone, they were wrong. They didn't understand, because someone who is always alone doesn't necessarily want to be alone, but they might be lonely and need someone else.

That's how Soobin felt too. He didn't know why he didn't have any truly close friends at school. They were only friends because they were in the same class, not real friends.

Soobin was lonely. Yerin might be even more so. They were the same. Both needing someone else. But how to find that someone, neither of them knew. And Soobin felt like he had found someone—this was his chance to step out of the dark place called loneliness. That was why Soobin started to watch Yerin from afar.

It wasn't that he didn't want to approach Yerin openly like he did before, nor was he afraid of being rejected again. It was just that Soobin started to think that maybe the girl felt uncomfortable with his presence. 

Soobin just wanted to observe her from behind, be her shadow, and protect her.[]