it's a sombre day at the Zulu household The day I lay my son to rest ,I glance at my reflection one last time in the mirror I'm wearing my LV slip on heels and a black forschini dress my installation is renewed but hut have eyebags under my eyes it's evident that crying has become my new daily dose
I take my slip baby and my baby's teddy bear and I walk hand in hand with likhona out of the bedroom and he opens the door to the Black Mercedes and there's a convoy of cars parked right outside the house , we start the convoy on the road heading to church
I decided that we bury him at the cemetery near the apartment where I can go to visit him anytime I miss him , I have on my black shades the car finally parks outside the church it's actullay fully packed and there's cameras running to us ,journalists
"Mrs Zulu can we get a statement "
"Is it really true that he wasn't mr Zulu jnrs child"
"Are you actually married ?"
"How did Ntando pass away"
My husband leads me into the church without the attention of the journalists clouding the atmosphere , we walk to the front of the church the front row where The family is going to sit
I sit down and stare at my baby's picture framed near the pulpit there's a stand to place his coffin the ceremony begins and the coffin is slowly brought inside the church carried by Ibanzi and some men ,my heart staggers as I realize that's the baby I gave birth to that has been taken away from me
My mother gives me a tight squeeze for comfort as the coffin is placed infront of me the coffin looks custom made it even has designs made for boys , I look at likhona and mouth a thank you
The programme starts and the priests shared the words of the Bible and the verse for the day
And finally it's my turn to speak
"The mother of the Child needs to make a closing statement "
My nerves are shooting so high and my pain is eating at me
I nervously stand up , holding my baby's teddy bear on my right hand i walk up to the pulpit to say a few words , upon reaching and seeing all the people that came here to support us as a family my heart calms down a bit and hope is restored that everything can be alright
"Sanbona , in front of you is Ziyanda Zulu it's not everyday we attend a funeral of the baby of a teenager ,I never thought that at the age of 18 I would have been preparing a speech for my sons funeral it's been only 5 months since I've been with Ntando but he was my reason for breathing I wouldn't have survived half the things in my life had he not been there , I've heard of soul ties of love that comes unexpectedly through joy and laughter and he gave me that he introduced me to motherhood and gave me a glimpse of how nice it is to wake up in the morning and have an added responsibility besides yourself , I remember his smile so vividly how he always giggled when he saw me , how he liked touching my face I even miss the way he used to touch my hair and mess up my installations he made waking up in the morning so happy because you were going to be met with eyes that wanted milk and attention ohhh how I love him so much I stand here today bruised and angered and lost because honestly I don't know how I'm going to survive the next days of my life without seeing a purpose to live don't get me wrong there are people that love me but nothing can ever compare to the feeling of motherhood , holding on to his teddy bear brings me comfort as I couldn't hold him as he took his last breath I love you boy boy and I'm so sorry , come back Zee misses you so much it's easy for people to claim that I should move on but they never fully understand how I never got to hear him call me mom , I never got to have petty fights with him , I had plans that I was going to chase girls from the house , that I was always going to shout at him for coming late but all those are snatched opportunities and experience in my life he never even got to celebrate his first birthday and today I put him to rest lala ngokuthula Ndabezitha"
I leave the podium and head to his coffin and hug it the only way I felt I could gain closure ,I whisper to him in his coffin
"Greet siphosami for me , I love you boy"
I wipes the stream of tears rolling down my cheeks people can never understand the depth of this pain I look at the teddy bear and kiss it
The programme continues for a while and before I know it it's already time to head to the burial site
We stand up and leave , likhona drives us to the burial site
There's a short ceremony held and finally it's the moment of despair the men stand up to loosen the stretcher so his coffin can go down easily
Beyoncé's heaven couldn't wait for you starts echoing in the burial site
The coffin starts going down , with every inch it disappears a part of me dies
"Ntandoooooooo!!! Don't leave me!!! Please!!!!"
I wail and scream and attempt to go near the coffin but likhona holds me tightly preventing me from going towards the coffin
"Ntandoooooooooo!!!ohhh Sthandwa Sami "
"Aaaaaaaaaaaah haaaaaaaaa "
I scream and scream until my voice weakens I want him to come back
"Please stop the pain , it's hurtssssssss !!! Kubuhlungu kakhulu !!!!"
Likhona helps me stand up with him to pour sand on his coffin , I take a handful of sand and walk towards the grave and I look at how far down he is and I pour the sand
"Hamba kahle Ndabezitha "
I sit back down on my place and a small boy heads to the podium near the grave , the men start shoveling the sand back into the grave
"The Ndabezitha family didn't only lose a grandson but a son , they lost a member of their family someone who kept them going they lost a son to a young mother this drastic occurance that left their hearts bleeding all the wasted potential in their minds , all the first days at school , the first biking experience , first relationship and also the their first words all his actions turned to his last his last smile , his last giggle , his last cry and mostly his last breath "the young man steps down from the mini podium and comes and gives me a hug I hug him tightly while tears are still streaming down my face
His tomb stone is also custom made it takes the shape of the moon with his details engraved on it
Likhona rubs my back and kisses my forehead as he holds me tightly as people stand up to leave I sit down as well as likhona after they have all gone I continue to sit quietly not saying a word my eyes only focused on the grave
"He was in my stomach for 9 months likhona , he survived everything life threw his way there were times I thought he wasn't going to make it but he did I learned to love him through everything so to me I loved and nurtured him for 14 months but I only held him for 5 months is that fair ? How can god punish me like this Likhona what did I ever do wrong there was nothing I wouldn't have done if my baby was involved but today I am forced to say goodbye to him I am forced to live my life without him he's become an ancestor , he has joined his brother now "
"He's in a better place Sthandwa Sami "
"Without me ? He was supposed to bury me first , I wanted him to make it I wanted to know what he wanted to be when he was older , I didn't even get to hear him call me mama do you think he would have called me mama or Zee "
"I think Zee is better "
"I missed him getting his first injection and even losing his teeth yet I gave birth to him why did god give me him if he was going to take him away later on in life when I was just getting attached "
"This is gods plan baby"
"It hurts likhona aaaaaahhhhh haaaaaaaa please take this pain away from me pleaseeeee I want him back "
He kisses my forehead and says nothing and we sit there staring at the graveyard
I finally gather the courage to stand up and kiss his graveyard he's gone from my life but never from my heart he's the only son of mine I got to hold
Rest in peace Ntandoyenkosi Zulu ❤️
"'Mommy will always love you "
