CD archives

T is for Trauma

Whenever he did something he thought was embarrassing in front of me he would freak out and tell me to kill him. He had those freakouts a lot. We had these “fights” where I would have to reassure him that I loved him and he never believed me. Every time I told him I liked him he would freak out and both of us would end up upset. He told me he hallucinated and saw me a lot. This one time we were talking and he had one of his freakouts and thought he was hallucinating our texts.
We made a code word (capital) so that if he ever did anything weird I could say it and he would stop. He would ask what the code word was to make sure he wasn't hallucinating.

CD constantly told me that he watched me through my window. He said he built a "nest" (a wooden box filled with stuff he called his nest) outside my house that he slept in when he wanted to be near me. Whenever I left the house I would keep an eye for it trying to find it to make sure he was lying (I never found it). He said that he would come into my room at night and cuddle me while I was sleeping. He said that he put cameras all over my house so that he could watch me 24/7. I knew it wasn't true. How could it be? He lived across the country and there was no way he could do all that. Yet after a while, I started to believe him. I convinced myself he was actually watching me. I tried to not let it get to me but it did. It was hard to sleep. Some nights I wouldn't sleep at all. It was hard to change my clothes and shower. Every time I left the house I felt like I was being followed. Even after he left for a while I still felt like he was watching me. sometimes even now I do. He would stalk my socials. even the ones I didn't tell him about. When I logged in to my TikTok alt and saw his account in my viewed profile It really freaked me out. I didn't understand how he got my alt and I still don't. That's how he found out what school I went to. He was looking through my following and I forgot I was following my school's TikTok. but I guess that was kind of my fault. He would repeatedly watch my videos over and over again. He said that even though he didn't understand them he loved watching the stuff I made. it did freak me out a little though. but I still stayed with him even though sometimes he made me a little uncomfortable. I always thought that if I was in a situation like this that I would just leave. before him whenever someone did or said something that made me uncomfortable I could stand up for myself but I couldn't with him. I loved him so I thought everything he did and said was ok.
"AND I'LL BE WATCHING YOU DO EVERYTHING TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE OKAY. EATING, DRINKING, BREATHING, SHOWERING, SLEEPING, AND EVEN WHEN YOU STEP OUTSIDE THE HOUSE!!!!" -CD