Reaching the Shore

Part 1

It's the third funeral I've attended in three weeks and the only thing I think about is 'when will it  be my turn?'.
Now I'm the only one left.
My mother died, my sister committed suicide and I, I am here, in the cemetery looking at the gravestones, unable to feel feelings, to cry, which is stupid because everyone around me is crying and not me, the victim's sister. It's strange, not being able to feel anything anymore, being empty is a bad feeling, it's as if I were dead too in a certain way, the responsible  of my mother's murder, whoever he is, killed my soul too, he didn't shoot me but he caused two new holes in my heart, two scars, two bullets that cannot be extracted and which will remain inside me forever. Two wounds on my chest that only I see and that no one will try to heal, blood that will not stop flowing.
And maybe it's better that I don't cry, that I accept my emptiness for this reason, because I no longer have my mother's arms ready to hug me, nor my sister to listen to me and understand me, I no longer have a shoulder to cry on, someone that wil listen to me, and if I'm not even listened to, what's the point of screaming?
And I have nowhere to go anymore, they were my home, nothing makes sense anymore.
"Ayla" Nora's voice wakes me  from my thoughts.
Everyone is leaving.
"My condolences"
"our deepest condolences"
"I'm very sorry, if you need something don't hesitate to come"
My mother's neighbors and friends repeat, one after the other as they leave the cemetery, what they told me last week.
I nod.
I feel so stupid, I want to cry but I can't, my eyes burn, but the tears are blocked and I can't keep my hands still, I'm agitated and I'm afraid it will be noticed.
I would like to escape.
"My condolences" Luna, Ella's best friend hugs me.
I freeze, I don't do anything, I wait for her to leave me.
She cries and holds me tight. I wish I could do the same but I can't, I would like to return her hug and share my pain with her but I can't, I feel like a monster.
"This was Ella's, she forgot it at my place a few days ago, I think it's better if you keep it" she says and gives me a bracelet, it was Ella's, I remember it, it was the bracelet I gave her for her birthday four years ago.
I nod and force a smile.
"Ayla, they're all gone, and it's better if you go home and rest, you're shaking, please let's go."
Which house? How will I rest?
"I'll stay here, you can go" are the only words I managed to utter after hours in silence.
Nora goes away, and only me and the two headstones remain.
They killed my best friend, seven days later my mother and maybe they planned to kill my sister too, maybe me, but before they could do it she committed suicide, she was eighteen, she was young, full of life and now she is covered in Earth .
I don't know who the murderer is, nor why he killed them, nor why it was them, I know nothing. I do not understand. And I'm afraid that all of this has to do with me, that it's somehow connected to me because if that's the case I'll never be able to forgive myself.
Because if it were to be like this I would be incapable of living, I wouldn't deserve it, of breathing, of moving forward in their place. My head is about to explode, lists of names, of people I've met, of names and names of people. I try to give a sense to what happened, to understand and find someone to blame but I can't. I know it has something to do with me, I feel it, but I don't understand, many people don't like me, I know this, but I've never had something serious, something to worry about has never happened.
I'm just a college student who has never done anything and with nothing, I don't understand why they would do anything to me, why kill my mother and my best friend, why now, and why me. I look around, it seems unreal, everything is so strange and empty that it doesn't seem to be true. My mother and my sister, the only people I had are no longer here, only distant memories exist of them, memories that I think about now but where I can't find myself inside, it's as if I didn't exist while they were here, and I only exist now that they are not here, it is as if my mind was dividing me from them in everything, even in memories.
The more I think, the more alone I feel. I didn't believe that my life could get worse, I always told myself that in addition to the pain I felt I couldn't stand more, that nothing horrible would happen again, that it was my time to start living and forget everything, start from scratch, and instead, after every single thing that happens to me something worse seems to come, every time I try to move on it's as if history is rewritten again, and as if I was born for this, to suffer, to suffer everything without obtaining an happy ending .
Twenty-one years of misfortunes, of me trying to live, of people abandoning me, of wounds, twenty-one years of efforts, of changes, of dreams, of goals, of many goals destroyed in a few days.
The emptiness inside me is so immense, so big that it seems infinite to me. I'm afraid that what I feel will stay inside me, that there's no way out of this place, that I won't be able to get over it, to move forward, that I won't be able to feel better one day. I get up with no strength in my body and look at the gravestones one last time.
Ella Demir, born February 15, 2006, died November 10, 2024.
Lorelai Demir, born January 21, 1983, died November 3, 2024.
I turn around, close my eyes, try to breathe and move forward.
I try not to turn around. To move forward without feeling guilty, to walk without falling to the ground, not to turn around, not to think, not to give in.
I'm not just leaving them in that land, I'm also leaving a part of me, buried with them, a part that no longer belongs to me, which is also dead. A part of me that has left me empty. I walk and observe the gravestones of the dead, I observe the many headstones, the names of many, I think of their loved ones, children, parents, adults, young people, death spares no one. And if I could take their places, I would, if death came upon me right now I would accept it with open arms, just to hug my mother one more time. Four more steps and I'm outside, but something stops me, the shape of a person.