Reaching the Shore

Part 2

"My condolences"
I stare at him in silence.
"I wanted to call you when I heard about what happened but I couldn't find your number"
Bullshit, because my number has been the same for years, from the first day I met him.
I shrug, unable to speak.
"Can I?" he asks me, coming closer to hug me.
I don't move, he hugs me without waiting for me to respond.
He comes off.
"If you need me, I'm here, know that."
I hide an ironic smile, because it's strange how everyone appears when your life starts to suck, how people want you around only if your life sucks more, how as soon as you feel better and maybe better than them they abandon you, it's as if they do it more for themselves, to feel better and not for you.
Nate Jacobs.
The last person I thought would show up is standing in front of me.
I haven't seen him for five years, since high school, since we were a couple, we separated in the first year of university, because he had cheated on me with Sabrina, a girl in the second year, and since then we had never spoken again, he had moved abroad and I had forgotten about it.
Now he is in front of me, we have become strangers, because I no longer know anything about him, and even if I had the strength to speak I wouldn't know what to say.
"What are you doing here?" I ask seriously, looking straight in his eyes, unable to hide the annoyance I feel towards him.
"I came to visit my mother, she told me about what happened and I thought I'd come and visit, your mother and your sister have been part of my life for several years."
I let him talk and go out.
He's the last person I want to talk to right now and I honestly don't care that he's here, or even why he's here.
What matters to me is that I'm out now.
I take a long, deep breath.
"I'm out." I repeat to myself.
The street is full, it must be five in the afternoon, people are already leaving work, while I remained in a cemetery for hours, sitting doing nothing, thinking about my feelings as if they were the most important thing right now .
The feelings of guilt.
I feel them intensifying.
The guilt of being able to leave a cemetery, of being able to take deep breaths, of thinking about my feelings and of not being able to cry for others.
The guilt of being alive.
I finally collapse on the ground, I think that perhaps God has accepted my request, that he sent me death, that he is putting an end to my suffering, that now I will no longer be alone, that my mother will be ready to hug me, my sister and Ethan too , they will finally be able to forgive me.
The darkness, the silence, the leaves and the wheels stop playing, the notes of death intensify, and I smile, opening my arms welcoming them.
And then reality.
"Ayla!"
"Ayla wake up"
A familiar voice, male and strong, covers the notes.
"Ayla wake up please" is Nate's voice.
I wake up.
I'm on the floor in his arms.
I get up in a hurry.
"Are you okay?" He also stands up and looks at me worriedly.
"I'm fine thanks." I clean my dirty black suit and turn around looking for my car.
"Ayla, you can't drive like that, you're not well, you're pale and shaking."
I ignore him, walk around the parking lot and find my car.
"Ayla let me take you." he follows me.
"I'm fine, I'm going alone"
"Ayla you're not well."
I don't answer, I get in the car and leave.
My head is spinning, but I refuse to let him accompany me.
Once out of the parking lot and far from where I was, I stop on the side of the road and sit on the bench in a small park trying to come back to myself, to regain the strength to drive without risking accidents and putting the life of others at risk.
I look at the sea, so big, deep, so beautiful and scary and I start to fantasize about diving into it, it's my only consolation , I've been thinking about it since I was little, about diving into it, about disappearing in the middle of the water, about getting to the bottom.
Except that I don't know how to swim well, and I would be afraid that the waves would take me to shore, on the wrong side, that I wouldn't find my way anymore, basically the water scares me even if I'm attracted to it.
Can you be so gorgeous and scary at the same time?
It's getting too dark, and I don't want to go home.
I observe what surrounds me, I feel like an insignificant point in the middle of nowhere, it's strange what I feel, because I feel empty but at the same time my body doesn't seem to handle all this mess inside me, I'm stuck between feeling the nothing and feeling so much.
I feel so helpless, so pathetic, so useless, so strange.
It's all so strange.
I wish I could wake up and find myself in my bed, I wish all this was just a bad dream, a nightmare that I will forget.
I feel a strong pain in my stomach, my head keeps spinning and hurts, my eyes burn, I feel cold and hot at the same time.
I have no strength in my body.
I feel abandoned.